by Cyle Brooks
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WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ¤ At the beginning URI writes on a card to her grand ma. Takes it to the hospital. She looks calm. But however we are told that she was told that her grand ma was seriously sick. It made me wonder if she truly loved her grand mother. ☆ WHAT YOU CAN DO. - Take or leave it. I suggest that you start with a killer. Introduce us to URI. she is calm. Taking care of flowers. May be a gardener breaks the flower pot. She gets furious with him because she loves flowers. Nice punch right? Then she receives an emergency call that her mother is sick so she rashes quickly. That would engage the audience. ¤ In the scene where URI finds CORE behind the house. - I didn't see the image. All I knew was in the backyard but I could see the size, surrounding, was it dark that you can't see? How was it? Did URI recognise her neighbour immediately? Also was so passive in that scene. She just watched them argue on her premises without doing anything. We couldn't see her reaction. It would have been better if you described her facial expressions or better confront Kate. One more thing is that was there a wire fence or opaque kinda wall fense?? - in the scene when she calls the police. Does she see them outside or inside. How does it all happen? Please make it clear. ¤ When her phone rings. She does not answer but we hear the doctor speak. It must have read: Her phone RINGS. She peaks it up almost immediately. It's the DOCTOR on phone. WHAT I LIKED - It's a good story - you tried to give us some conflict - I began to feel for URI
In conclusions: A) follow the rule of screenplay. Dont tell - SHOW. Eg: pg1- The last description read:- As the fight was at its last round, their both managers shouting loudly to advice and encourage their fighter. ☆ You clearly told us but didn't show. Remember. In screenplay you only write what you see and hear. Not what a character thinks. How you could have shown: EG:- A pretty brown woman goes round with a card. The card reads: Round 5. BELL RINGS.NEM and DAVE begin thier fight. Their MANAGERS yell. MANAGER Come on! Finish the fight. In this way you've clearly shown us. B) ACTION - The action is written in present tense. Eg: - Gets the gun and shoots. -Keep action lines short. Powerful. C) CAMERA ANGLES AND TRANSITIONS leave them out. Some transition didn't match. D) THE STORY It was not believable that NEM entered the competition without a drug test. A story must be believable. Also the story may be should have been that the test was done but after that. Dave sent some people to drug him. Then request for a retest after the fight. They find new with drugs n disqualify him. That sounds better. Also the courtroom session were not properly done. I suggest u research on how a court sessions is done and who are involved. Also the story of Dave being killed. Eish. I was expecting Nem to fight Dave in the end to reclaim his title but Dave decides to die. Gosh. Overal the concept is there. But you need to learn a lot about script writing. Read more script. Dont be offended. I just want you to be a good writer and see your story out there.
It was really too short to judge, but the concept was good. The dialogue was poor and we go into the script thinking the Creature is going after Tyler, so when our expectations aren't met, it's a disappointment. Grammar was okay, but it was missing a few commas in the dialogue. There wasn't enough room or time to develop Tyler, all we really know about him is that he's sick with the flu. If you want to grab the reader's attention, you have to give us more character. I think if this script was longer, you would have more of a chance to develop it, but the reader is left feeling unsatisfied and wondering what the point of the Creature even was, whose house he was meant to go to and whether it was even real or part of Tyler's fever dream.
I'm going to put the gist of my notes in this section, I have it separated into parts I thought were good, and parts that could use a bit more work and refinement. Please don't take offense to anything I say, I simply want to help make your story as awesome as possible. I like the concept and I like the two main characters of Chadwick and Jane. If you strengthen everything around these core pillars the story will only improve. What I Liked: -I like how you introduce Chadwick. We see his accommodations first and foremost, and then we see this distraught and unkempt appearance. Nice contrast. -I definitely sympathize with Chadwick and his plight. You've clearly laid out his struggle and I want to see him succeed and provide for his struggling family. -Chadwick and Jane's relationship is my favorite part of this story. They're both imperfect, they're both unhappy, but each wants to make this relationship work. Chadwick is especially concerned with making enough money to take care of his family and that's what drives him to do what he does. Similarly, Jane struggles with guilt over the fact that she's not able to do anything to help her husband. They're both good people. -You do a good job showing how Chadwick is struggling with his inner demons. I like especially how he keeps returning in his mind to the fight he had as a teenager where he accidentally killed his opponent. -It was very touching to see how excited Chadwick was to have an interview at what most people would view as a very hard and thankless job. Highlights once again how much he cares for his wife and the desire to support his family. What Needs Work: -There are quite a few minor spelling errors in your story. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but I'd recommend having a native speaker look over your script. These aren't big problems, but continuous tiny errors distract the reader. Thankfully it's a simple fix. -As I read further into the story, the spelling errors are actually getting worse and worse. Please take the time to try and correct this. A clean and easy-to-understand script is more likely to be sold. -We're told that Chadwick works at a cement company and that the neighborhood he and his wife live in is dangerous. Show us that. Does Jane hear gunshots outside while waiting for her husband? Punch up the squalor of the home they live in. Let us know why this is such a horrible location for the couple to live in. -Pg. 9. The ending of Chad's scene with Jane is very abrupt. They're mid-conversation and suddenly we cut to the market. Ask yourself, what did this scene add to the story? What did it tell us about Chad or Jane, how did it further their relationship? -It might be better if you cut the bedroom scene, and transition to the market after Chad leaves the dinner table and heads to bed. -Pg. 15. Why would Chadwick need to explain to his wife where he received his tattoos? To be blunt, they're married, so she should already be well aware of how his back looks. -Pg. 17. When Chadwick woke up and was late for his job interview, I was expecting some sort of action scene where he had to make a mad dash to make it on time. Instead, you point out that it's rush hour, but he simply walks to the interview. I feel like this is an opportunity to inject some fun action scenes into the story and further highlight Chadwick's physical abilities. This script needs a lot of work, but you definitely seem like you have the chops and skills to get the work done. Best of luck with your story, I hope you continue shaping and molding it into something amazing.
It needs to be redone. The opener had to many description errors. We don't really know why lizard was killed and how the story moved forward. Law & sprinkle were not described. We don't know if are human or animals or...I don't know. The description were long but lacked that powerful imagery killer sentences. The entrance of a flash back after the kaw & sprinkle scene is not fully understood. The sounds wear not capitalized. MAKE SURE TO DO THE FOLLOWING : -Outline the story plot points - Select a good opener. Hook - the inciting incident - The world around the main characters - then a change to the life of the protagonist - Give reasons why he should start a new journey and whether if he is going To manage. etc