by Cyle Brooks
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Ultimately, I cannot recommend that anyone else read this script in its current state and cannot imagine that anyone would want to. The grammar and spelling mistakes are so numerous that I stopped taking any note of them after page 4 and started skimming whenever the errors became too plentiful. The characters are unrealistic and aren’t relatable because the dialogue is rigid and unbelievable. This script needs to be completely rewritten with careful attention paid to dialogue and minimization of grammar and spelling errors. I apologize for the harshness of the review but feel as if I was robbed of two hours making my way through this script.
WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ¤ At the beginning URI writes on a card to her grand ma. Takes it to the hospital. She looks calm. But however we are told that she was told that her grand ma was seriously sick. It made me wonder if she truly loved her grand mother. ☆ WHAT YOU CAN DO. - Take or leave it. I suggest that you start with a killer. Introduce us to URI. she is calm. Taking care of flowers. May be a gardener breaks the flower pot. She gets furious with him because she loves flowers. Nice punch right? Then she receives an emergency call that her mother is sick so she rashes quickly. That would engage the audience. ¤ In the scene where URI finds CORE behind the house. - I didn't see the image. All I knew was in the backyard but I could see the size, surrounding, was it dark that you can't see? How was it? Did URI recognise her neighbour immediately? Also was so passive in that scene. She just watched them argue on her premises without doing anything. We couldn't see her reaction. It would have been better if you described her facial expressions or better confront Kate. One more thing is that was there a wire fence or opaque kinda wall fense?? - in the scene when she calls the police. Does she see them outside or inside. How does it all happen? Please make it clear. ¤ When her phone rings. She does not answer but we hear the doctor speak. It must have read: Her phone RINGS. She peaks it up almost immediately. It's the DOCTOR on phone. WHAT I LIKED - It's a good story - you tried to give us some conflict - I began to feel for URI
In conclusions: A) follow the rule of screenplay. Dont tell - SHOW. Eg: pg1- The last description read:- As the fight was at its last round, their both managers shouting loudly to advice and encourage their fighter. ☆ You clearly told us but didn't show. Remember. In screenplay you only write what you see and hear. Not what a character thinks. How you could have shown: EG:- A pretty brown woman goes round with a card. The card reads: Round 5. BELL RINGS.NEM and DAVE begin thier fight. Their MANAGERS yell. MANAGER Come on! Finish the fight. In this way you've clearly shown us. B) ACTION - The action is written in present tense. Eg: - Gets the gun and shoots. -Keep action lines short. Powerful. C) CAMERA ANGLES AND TRANSITIONS leave them out. Some transition didn't match. D) THE STORY It was not believable that NEM entered the competition without a drug test. A story must be believable. Also the story may be should have been that the test was done but after that. Dave sent some people to drug him. Then request for a retest after the fight. They find new with drugs n disqualify him. That sounds better. Also the courtroom session were not properly done. I suggest u research on how a court sessions is done and who are involved. Also the story of Dave being killed. Eish. I was expecting Nem to fight Dave in the end to reclaim his title but Dave decides to die. Gosh. Overal the concept is there. But you need to learn a lot about script writing. Read more script. Dont be offended. I just want you to be a good writer and see your story out there.