Raise your script the write way.

And intriguing story, but needs more, especially from the protagonist. At some point, she will need to steer the story and in the direction it needs to go. Right now, Cole seems to be the only determining factor of the situations in your script. The dynamic needs to be set forth early on, and your audience needs more direction and focus.

And intriguing story, but needs more, especially from the protagonist. At some point, she will need to steer the story and in the direction it needs to go. Right now, Cole seems to be the only determining factor of the situations in your script. The dynamic needs to be set forth early on, and your audience needs more direction and focus.

A very humorous and marketable idea, yet still in need of a cohesive story that the audience can draw from. The situations you put your characters in are funny and well-written, but they will eventually fizzle out if something isn't at stake in the lives of your characters.

It being a television series of college life that has been done, there is plenty of room for character growth, relationship development, and plot development and storylines. Comedies are sometimes hard to read, leaving the actor to deliver it properly. The characters overall fall flat and each need something that grabs our attention more. That would make a second episode more viable. In my honest opinion, the characters will, and must carry the story. If you make them unique, the story will be unique.

Interesting Concept. Your action lines were visual. They advanced the plot. For the most part, they were not too wordy. My only suggestion would be to delete some of the clothing descriptions. Usually, clothing is only mentioned when it is integral to the plot. For instance, a character is wearing a specific piece of clothing during a murder and later that clothing is pivotal to them being convicted of the crime. The decision on dressing a character is left to the director, wardrobe, etc.

Overall, I think this is a very solid script. All the characters are complex and three dimensional that I care about literally everyone. My biggest piece of feedback is making the bond between Idunn and Will a tiny bit more believable, and setting up Tess and Hayden's sexual relationship. Other than that, well done!

Overall, I thought this was a decent sequel episode that you've written. With more editing and revising, I think this could turn out to be incredible! Good luck!

Overall, a mediocre idea which flops hard with its execution. But it can be improved. Since you want to make this a television pilot, don’t make the entire story fit into one episode. You can have Sophie and Darin falling in love, be the pilot and the very last can be her death. Then you have time to set up the story beats, and romance naturally. And if you insist on having Sophie and Darin fall in love so quickly, I recommend you watch “Before Sunrise” by Richard Linklater, it’s the perfect representation of two characters connecting in just one night. Other than that, work on setting up your payoffs better and work more on your dialogue. Good luck.

Overall, it's a funny, over-the-top concept that I think audiences will appreciate. The story itself needs more dimension. If the plot and dialogue don't match the creativity of the concept, it will ultimately fall flat. There's definitely room for this script to grow.

Create characters that live within the moment. An example, you could have the Dr rush from the room after Jessica is pulled off him, go to his office, and slam the door. He could literally pace, and look at different patient charts, disgusted by each and every one. Tossing them as if "why the hell do I bother?" He could sink into his leather chair and ponder. Let the actors act, and the director direct. You're doing their job in telling the story. Which is 180 degrees from what you should be doing. Good Luck in the future with this.