by Rafi Gunawan
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Jade was an excellent leading character, and I understood her wants and needs clearly. Zay was a bit harder to read, and I think to make him feel more realistic and his choices feel justified, you need to either show a softer side to him or give the audience more backstory on their relationship. For a rough draft, it's well formatted and very easy to read. It leaves me wanting more! Did Zay really leave her? Is he coming back? It's juicy!
Overall, this reads like a very honest and well-written comedy pilot. I can see this being a very solid family comedy, but I feel like the only thing missing is more concrete scenes, rather than dialogue to carry your story forward. The dialogue is certainly funny, but the situations and the actions within the scenes need to match
Overall, a very satisfying story in general, but the last 30 pages seem to have less energy, and that's the one thing I believe that needs to be addressed here. you want the tension to grow, the stakes to grow higher and higher. Perhaps you can make Sharon's life life more in danger, or even the baby's life more in danger. Maybe create a new level of tension between Charlie and Sharon that makes their relationship more dire, but also shows how inseparable they are and how much they need each other in order to escape from their old ways. Either way, the climax should be stronger and more definitive. Please see audio notes in the Script Notes section
Overall the concept of the script was excellent, and it was an enjoyable rom-com read. The story needs a lot of work regarding the ending and falling flat. It went way too fast, and it felt like you just wanted to finish the story. Dialogue and structure were significant but small issues, possibly in the script I marked. Characters are solid, but one needs some work to play around with them. I hope this helps :)
One thing I would suggest is finding a movie about a character who goes through something similar to SVF. A movie such as Robocop or Deadpool, where the character "dies" or undergoes a horrific event, and comes back to life not quite the same. Watch it and pay attention to the what the characters say and what they don't say. In other words, what are some of things they do and say that make them stand apart from your script? What are the things your script does that their movie doesn't do? What does their movie have that your script doesn't?
Great read and would be the type of film that I could watch every day if the filmmaking lived up to the screenplay. Feels like a 90s Coen brothers movie or the best version of a Kevin Smith movie, like if The Big Lebowski was about a heist or Clerks was a caper comedy. I do think there could be more development with Mike deciding not to drink anymore it kinda just happens but kicking alcohol isn't that easy, and I think that Mike and Tara should go on a couple of dates to show the growth of their relationship before she kisses him. All together very very good and I hope to be able to watch it some day.
I think it's a decent start to an idea, but it just needs some work in terms of everything since it lacked quality in it heavily. It was too short, and things moved quickly sometimes, and you just would ay something and then move on. Don't be afraid to go into detail and flesh out some parts. Hope this helps :)