by Cyle Brooks
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The main issue is not your characters or the concept, but the way you tell your story. As of now, the audience doesn't feel any suspense or thrills. It's merely just listening to a bunch of characters talk about their situations and move on to the next scene. This is not uncommon, though, because first drafts are always very primitive and in need of direction. i would recommend reading a screenwriting book that focuses on storytelling. Also, find 3 movies or tv shows that are inspirational to your script, and re-watch them, but pay attention to the differences in how their stories are told. How do those movies "show" rather than "tell". That is what you need to do for this script.
Great draft with small areas for refinement. More detail, clarity, and nuance with the character's will offer the smidge more drive needed! There are several, smaller, moments that I breezed through and didn't find enticing enough to dwell in (including the aforementioned moment on the phone with Olivia, and the entrance to the mountain). The pacing of the script weaves the stylicitic qualities of Pokémon, while being original and committed to the characters and world developed here.
Overall, a very entertaining and thrilling read. The setup is very heartwarming, and you give the audience a reason to see Jeanie's story through to the end. I would definitely rework the angle you're taking with the massive twist at the end. The context and reasoning behind Danny's betrayal needs to be worth the shocking reveal. The climax is well written and very action packed, but it needs something more behind it.
A strong concept, as a fan of the Buffy universe I enjoyed reading a continuation of the mythos of the slayers. I especially liked a new lead one who has ties to the previous stories as oppose to using existing characters as the main focus. It builds a big picture well but i think the small scale is lacking. Slow down the pace and develop Zoe and search for the Travalthon will help make it a more substantial story. I am looking forward to see where these characters go.