Please forgive my bluntness.
The Title “8Bits” promises the perfect hacker-film in the vein of Mr. Robot. That explains, why I was a little underwhelmed by its slow start ;-) I was waiting for the hacking bit, which never came. Then I was wondering if you were going “Serendipity”, but the 7sins kept me worrying that you were going to ambush me with some gore in the vein of “Seven” (sorry, I’m too soft for that). To be honest, I had to rush through half of the script to make sure it wasn’t horror. Only when I got to sin number four or so, I realized I was in an episodic film, following a strange bill around during one day.
Which I think is an awesome concept, by the way!
You just need to find a title that promises gore-less entertainment, and a beginning for your film, that screams “episodic film” and “it’s about the bill”, so the reader gets the promise they can relax, a clearer feeling for the genre, and type of the film.
Here are a few suggestions, which I think you can surely top with your own ideas in your next draft.
Find a title that refers more directly to money, to have the viewer focus on the bill, not the first person they see. I was thinking this was Jennifer’s story, and was disappointed when the storyline veered to the other characters.
Then create opening titles that scream episodic film. Look at “Valentines Day” or “She’s just not into you” for reference. Those films always start with showing several non plot-relevant, “random”, people and a voice-over explaining what the film’s philosophy/theme is. That way the viewer knows the film is about several people, not one person.
I love how you repeat the concept of the sins, and where they come from in the beginning. That way even the dumbest person understands.
What is unclear throughout the film is, you show the sinners and their sins, but I never got what you wanted to say with the way you showed them. Until the end, I was wondering, if that is some kind of religious thing, and they all get punished in the end. Either go comedy, and make the sinners weird and shrill in their sinning, or go philosophical, and give each of them a conscious problem with their brand of sin they want to overcome, and have them do so by the end scene in the café. Which I totally love, by the way.
What I want to say is, the sins are not very spectacular, and the way you show them isn’t either. I need more sensation, more entertainment, or I’ll get tempted to check my phone during the film.
But still, I love the idea, the concept, I love the beginning and how you tie the sins together, and I love the ending. Just the in-between, the sins themselves need more work, to keep the film from having a sagging middle.
The last thing I noticed is, at a certain point you start showing us the time, as if it were important. Is there any way you could make this the concept too, have the entire movie play in the time-span of 24 hours? That would mean you would have to start with Jennifer waking up to late, her mom’s call keeping her from leaving the apartment, and explaining Dante by a flashback on the way to work. But I would add conflict, pressure, and would be, in my eyes an amazing add to the concept of “seven deadly sins in 24 hours”.
All in all this could become an awesome movie. And I would love to read your next draft.
PS: Can you show who worked so artistically on the note during the opening titiles?
