I know Scriptmother does not allow you to identify this as a stage play, or as a musical, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I like theater and musicals, but it’s not my forte as a screenwriter.
Is the intent of the opening speech to warn the audience that this is for young children? Because, one of the pleasures that come from the famous movie is when each companion is discovered is that their introduction is played out, meaning their weaknesses and fears are in full exposition. In your play it is touched on, but there is no exposition given to appreciate their struggle, we don’t empathize with them. Much of what is experienced in the movie is what happens on the journey of overcoming obstacles from the wicked witch. All of this has been left out of the play with a sole reliance on the vaudevillian style of entertainment, so the play lacks depth of any kind. It’s an interesting idea but the fusion has left out the reward of Dorothy’s quest.
While you stated that this is vaudeville oriented, is this what you meant as a new take? It’s not very entertaining for a 21st century audience. But you did label it as a Family feature, and “solely to the please children of today”. In modernizing this classic tale, you missed out on basic necessities for entertainment, even for a musical. You chose to leave out the “heart-aches and nightmares”, but nothing is compelling in this retelling.
All the songs feel like they are left in the 20th century, there is no new take on them. Vaudeville served a purpose, and had little competition from other forms of entertainment. Vaudeville was about survival and money, not the art of storytelling. Personality, enthusiasm and speed were essential, but not having any of the three was still a good shtick if it was funny to the working class who came because it was cheap, and thus the acts had to be repeated a dozen times a day to make any money. So what is it you want the children to get from this family musical? Because the song references go above their heads, especially 21st century children. The original lessons of how do you find courage, your heart, or develop your mind is still something a child can grasp. Yet they were skimmed over.
You did a good job with the jokes as they are fitting, dry and witty and made me chuckle. The song choices seemed random, or just because they didn’t have a copyright issue. Since I don’t know what your plan was for this screenplay (Broadway versus a local town production; children or all ages), I hope I gave you some points to consider in your next draft.
