First to the logline: There's just something missing. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but there's just something that doesn't sit well with me. I get the attraction of a "window into a life", but it just feels needs an injection of something. Perhaps if you raise the stakes in the logline. There ... it just needs a sprinkle of threat. I don't know, maybe it's there, it just needs a bit of polish applied in the wording.
That said, I feel this concept is passable, but it's not especially strong. It's bordering on cliche for mine. I won't shy away from the fact that I was looking to pass some time reading a script on a wet Saturday afternoon. Congratulations! Achievement unlocked.
I do like the initial set-up despite the fact it's been a variation on a theme in countless teen slasher movies. But it's lacking in drama. There's not the emotional investment I would expect to make. I don't care about Jonathon, or more to the point there isn't anything to make me care. Yes there's a fractious relationship everywhere he turns, but how do we turn that negative into a positive?
The script in itself is well written. The dialogue is honest and believable. It's not spectacular dialogue, but it serves the story in an acceptable way. With a bit of polish it'll be great. There were some moments in the script I thought you were over describing things in a scene. Watch out for this. Its a real morale killer. There were a few pages I read that were lucky to have 2 lines of dialogue shoe-horned into multiple paragraphs of action that probably extended too far. Four or five lines in a single paragraph of action is too much.
Here's some free advice. Every time you press 'Enter' that keyboard, the camera (theoretically perhaps) moves. Keep that in mind.
Another thing I really wanted to point out, which you've done a reasonable job at self-policing, is being careful when using adverbs in action. Of course there are times where it has to be used, but in most instances they're redundant because writing for the screen is very much in the active tense. And the camera can't really see the difference between, to use an example "bleeding" and "bleeding profusely". But here, I think the balance is right. Well done.
OK I'm gonna wrap this up with a little more encouragement. The conflict is good, but could be better. The pacing is good, but could be better. The key is to keep working on it. No script is ever complete. No script. Keep working on it. The climax is okay, but it could be better. In all, not a total waste of time. To satisfy an audience with a great story is very hard. Harder than most people think but not impossible. I think this is a nice skeleton to flesh out and build a script on. It deserves more than what you've given us.
Good luck with everything!!
SSC
