Concept
Three people in a sealed room with casket and a ticking clock. It’s a simple concept, but it’s a strong image and immediately creates strong intrigue in the reader. Who are the people? What’s in the casket? What happens when the clock reaches zero? Immediately you’ve got those nagging questions set-up within the first ten pages or so which draw a reader in. You make a point in the script where Shawn says that he’s in a saw remake, and it is true that there has been a fair number of confined location thrillers in the last twenty years or so, with Saw itself, Cube, Devil etc, but I don’t necessarily think that’s an issue here, you’ve got your own take on it, and as a reader it worked for me.
Story
I really like your concept and structure of your script, but there are some elements of the story that didn’t always work for me. I wasn't 100% on board with the idea of the Voice / Erin and the supernatural aspects this brought with it, although I though you handled it in the writing relatively well, but some of the plot developments (the way that Erin was omnipotent in the story, able to make things appear and disappear, overwhelm the characters with noise, make them unable to speak) meant that the characters were sometimes passengers in the story, they didn't always have agency to drive the story forward that much themselves. Another thing I noted, was that the duel at the end between Shawn and Paul was an interesting idea (with both men visually impaired), but i wasn't sure how well that it would work on screen. Also, from a story point of view, Shawn is the protagonist, and he's the one with the advantage in the scene, not Paul (who is completely blind). It detracts from the drama a little. I think it would work better if Shawn, the protagonist was the one who had to overcome the odds to win out.
Structure
I think that your structure was one of the strongest elements of your script, which is a great positive (i think the writer William Goldman said, ’Screenplays ARE structure’). You’ve got a nice short opening scene, before the main premise of the story kicks in.
With the fixed location of the room, there’s a risk that you could run out of steam, but in my opinion you did a great job of breaking things down, we get drip-fed information about the characters’ back stories through dialogue & flashbacks periodically, alongside new developments in the room itself even ten pages or so; the casket, the appearance of the ax, sleeping beauty waking up etc. so there’s a great pace and as an audience we’re compelled to read on, as we discover things at the same time as the characters.
The timer is woven in really well, building up towards the end, and the climatic conflict is handled really well, with some neat reversals. The only thing I would say is that when the ending comes, it’s possibly a little abrupt, possibly you could add in a little more here to let things breathe a little more and increase the impact.
Character Development
You’ve written 3 distinctly different main characters here, which suits your story well to help create the conflict. Shawn is crass & sarcastic, offset by Paul’s square-ish persona, before Sleeping Beauty’s fiesty character enters the mix. Beyond that though, I did feel that certainly Shawn as the main protagonist could do with a little work to develop him. It’s a brave choice to make him the way he is, he’s clearly intended as an anti-heroic character, he’s rude, seemingly quite self-centred, albeit he’s the only one unwilling to kill to save himself. It’s true that protagonists don’t have to be likeable or sympathetic, but I think here as an audience we need a little more to engage with, so that the ending has more resonance. Currently, Shawn’s flippant attitude to things is present all the way through the story, and it can serve to dilute the tension - if Shawn doesn’t take the situation that seriously why should the audience?
The other issue with Shawn’s character is that it doesn’t come over that he deals with any significant change or growth in the story. It’s tricky sometimes, as thrillers and horrors don’t always follow the same rules with character goals & needs as other genres, but with the situation you’ve created in the script, I think Shawn should have to deal with more difficult choices that he does, with more difficult consequences. He has a little agency in the story, where he chooses not to kill the others in exchange for his freedom, but it doesn’t come over as a difficult decision for him. Paul has a potentially interesting arc where he initially comes off as the more reasonable of the characters, before turning towards his darker impulses as the story goes on. It might be worth exploring this in more detail.
Dialogue
A lot of the dialogue you’ve written is short and punchy which is great. There’s nothing really in the way of overlong speeches, ond it reads pretty well. The reason I’ve not scored you higher on the dialogue for me, is that the bulk of the conversation is between Shawn and Paul, and it can be a little one-note. Paul will say something, and Shawn will shoot back a sarcastic retort. A lot of what Shawn will say is quite crude and colorful, which isn’t a problem in itself, and it is in keeping with his character, but it does get a little repetitive in places. If you can, it would be great to work on polishing up some of the dialogue, to see if you can use it to draw out some more moments of character.
Script
Overall, I think your script shows a lot of promise, i liked the concept, the structure was very tight also. There were some elements of the story which didn’t ring true for me, and I think the characters need some attention to make the drama as strong as it can be, but that said, I did find it a compelling read and was always intrigued to find out what happened next. I think the core of what you’ve got here is really solid, if you’re able to polish up the characters, some of the dialogue and story elements, you’ll have something special. I was torn on how to score some elements, but if it feels like I’ve scored anything lower than my comments reflect, it’s only because I think it’s clear you’ve got a lot of capability and can take this script to the next level.
Writer
Good luck in your future, you clearly have talent, with an economical style of writing and handle on structure, and you know how to put together a good combination of visuals, dialogue and action. I look forward to reading your work in future.
