The overall concepts of this story could probably some interest in followers of this genre. You would have to suspend all sense of reality regarding scene and motivation set-ups. That’s okay if you’re into occult, blood, and putting yourself in the script. There are a lot of script opportunities in this work, i.e. writing enhancement to the story. The writer does not take a lot of time in development of scene situations or real character development. They seem to be in a hurry to get to events. It’s a pandemic in New York. So bad, there are dead bodies on the street. Thank God, there’s a street vendor alongside the decaying bodies. Really? There’s getting Lenny and Beverly pulled over and stop at exactly the spot the cultist are hanging out in the woods to get them. Then there’s doing their ritual right in the middle of the road. Really? The writer introduces his key characters with little information beyond their age, that or descriptions. Occasionally there is dialog placement which is out of sequence, or really is the opening should have been the leading dialog in the next scene. Although Dev is the protagonist with his girlfriend, Izzy. I did not get any real empathy for him or their relationship for them. It really isn’t clear until 50% into the script. The writer’s clue dropping to too leading and obvious. Nothing really happens from a horror perspective until deep into the story. Not a fan of this genre, but I would think you want to continue to have a few mayhem surprises along the way. Kill the cliché’s: Bad things will happen Isn’t that we we’re watching this? Knight in shining armor: Would this group really use this old colloquialism? Get the hell out of Dodge: Get this the hell out of your script. Killed him dead. Is there any other kind? Plastic sheet on the floor. Visual cliché – See Lethal Weapon II. If Dev is a writer, why does he speak with poor grammar? If you break into a cabin someone is using, can you really hide in a refrigerator? If you’re writing about cultist, bloodletting, etc. why are you disgusted viewing a video tape of it?

The writer maintains their storyline, and knows where he want to begin, link issues, and get to his desired ending. The first half of the script is rather slow, but does pick up some momentum. The "big event" of why and winning the contest really needs to be earlier in script. There is a lack of information in action and character set-ups. We do not get a sense of the city environment the characters live and work. The writer does not give us any visualization of each characters age, ethnicity, appearance, a unique traits of their main characters. There is not any character development that really wants us to care about Casey and Siren early in the script. There are points when I'm hoping for Scooby-Doo and a few scooby snacks be added to make this more enjoyable. There's nothing really plausible in the whole dynamics of the story, although rewritten in adult and real world context it might get some traction. But donut boy to big pharma CEO as if the real CEO want to truly walk away. Board members, and stockholders may want to express their opinion on this. Very few corporations of that stature have a single authoritarian voice. Even it this is just a movie script. As in most critiques, I am suggesting the writer do a couple things to improve: subscribe to ProWriter for assistance in proofreading, punctuation, and getting better in pacing their dialog, and work selection. Second, Visit Scriptslug for movie scripts to review and a guide to improve your own.

It is an interesting premise, that could have so much more. It is an episode in part of what could be bigger. We've seen this before. Many times. Drug runner living an image that he doesn't own, with a fantasy woman who either likes excitement, bad boys, foreign accents, and fools gold. The dialog is like C level of a British Miami Vice meets Pirates of the Caribbean. None of it is really credible or works to develop character or reveal any redeeming qualities of any of them. I kept thinking of the overplay TikTok loop," I think we know where this is going to go." In structure, the Action introductions are too long and could be smartly reduced to be succinct for the image designed. Note to writer, the Bahamas are not in the South Atlantic. In realism, if you've ever been in a high speed power boat, it is incredibly loud and beating the shit out of your kidneys. There's really no time for some romantic conversation of "Oh, baby, you so fine. But the jewels and threads that I'm going to get you. Yeah woman!" She's certainly not going to be sitting leisurely saying, " I love it when you talk dirty." as they're literally bouncing on a 50-plus mile run to the Bahamas. There's also that one little detail of sex. He has sex with her on the beach. She has brutal sex with the captors. She dies of the plaque. Captors die from the plaque. Not Henry. He walks out with the captors cash. Note to writer. Would you really be taking your lust interest on a drug run? Did I say there's really nothing interesting about Henry the alleged protagonist?

This is forty two pages of wasted energy and time to the reader. A professional script reader would not read past the first page. This being written, the story need a lot more structure and early lead character development to try and make him interesting and empathetic by reading audience to make him interesting. The introduction premise of coming to work to find your layoff notice under construction debris is not how it happens. (This from several experiences personally.) Cold yes. But not reality. His initial reaction seems to be very indifferent as most job loss situations are very much like divorce or separation for the impacted party: shock, sadness, and anger. The writer give none of this. Just the afternoon of the event hanging around with buddies have a beer. The main character Simon, has three girls. Through the rest of this script we learn nothing about their description, age except the eldest, Alicia. We know the mother Jessica has abandoned them. It is not establish just what the relationship is: separated and divorce. She shows up near the end, and Simon is rather blase' about her appearance. The writer as given very limited time to action set-up to scenes would help understand why some of the dialog occurs, physical responses do or don't happen. There is a ton of leading leans, and redundancy to Simon's situation. Most notable that machines have replaced him. Beating this theme over the reader's head is not necessary, not necessarily true. If this was the case, Simon should have seen that train coming. The only interesting character is Lonnie who has some development and reveal as the caring friend. It takes a long time for Simon to get to where the writer wants him to be, soft porn screenwriter. I think he wants this to be a comedy, but it's a tragedy we are asked to think this is a good effort.