Positive Feedback - 1) The script dives right in with a unique setting for a disturbing topic, really adding a heightened feeling to the whole tone and atmosphere of the script. 2) Characters were very believable for the most part, there wasn't much exposition and the characters seemed to grow in such a short period. 3) The fact that we never left the bowling alley and the plot was still advanced was very impressive and added to the creativity of the script. Constructive Feedback - 1) Some of the dialogue seemed a bit forced or odd, it was mostly bens dialogue that needs a little fix up considering he has most of the limelight. 2) While dramatic pauses and emotional pauses are good tools to further the tone and emotions the audience feels, this script relies on them a bit too much. especially since it's so short, once this is actually filmed and you keep in all the long pauses it's going to seem a bit off-putting,
Positive Feedback 1) I liked the characters and how they interacted with each other, they all seemed to have their own motives and were complex. 2) The tone overall was good, you had a constant tone that you developed from the beginning of the script. Constructive Feedback 1) My biggest issue with this script was your action/description of what was taking place. It often would describe inner feelings or events that we the audience couldn't know, Everything described must be able to be visualized on screen. When you introduce a character and say they would never betray their friends, how are you going to show the audience that? Heres an example from your script. (JACKIE JONES - A 43-Year-Old Woman, she is the head coach of the Cheerleaders, she is a legend at the school. But she is focused on getting what she wants, no matter what the cost is.) You can easily enough show she is the captain by what she is wearing and how the girls interact with her, but how will the audience know that she is a legend at the school or that she will get what she wants no matter the cost. So only write in descriptions of people if you can visually show it or tell it though dialogue as long as it's not expositional. 2) Work on your dialogue and making it more natural, while most of your dialogue wasn't expositional which is good, it was very direct and felt kinda clunky and unrealistic.
After the Raito kingdom attacks the home town of two brothers, they set off to bring back balance to the world by defeating the Raito God and restoring the Reiki to the world.