MJ Dunn

MJ D.

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MJ Dunn 3 years ago

completed a review for

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Genre: Horror
Rating: 13%
setup is off to a good start. Easy to visualise and understand the core characters. Scenes in the beginning are well described, short clear and easy to visualise. Dialogue is natural but very much of a teenager or early twenties vibe. Big issue is that the 1st act is over fifty pages long. Key incident around page 30 but the story doesn't start properly until almost an hour into it. In reality I personally would have abandoned the movie by this point. This is largely due to far too strung out dialogues. The dialogue needs to be much crisper in act 1 which is nearly half the screenplay. Also, told through visuals instead of words. Reads more like a stage play than a screenplay. Into act two there are several clichéd scenes which are quite easy to visualise through the scene descriptions but were becoming predictable. They were also thrown together one after the other with very little causality. The events did not feel linked, more like random chaos this happened then that then this. Very difficult to follow a narrative thread. How is the hero causing the action through choices to obstacles? Hero was too capable during initial conflict, I was not rooting for him at all. Needed taken back a few steps in order to arc more. Massive action descriptions followed by massive dialogue sections comprised most of act 2. 3 pages long at a time, would have read better if dispersed more evenly, tension built up to a culmination. By act 3 I simply didn't care about the main characters and was thoroughly confused by Vicki's motivation. Came out of nowhere and made no sense. Definitely a concept worth pursuing in there it just needs to be character driven with tighter structure.
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MJ Dunn 3 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

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Genre: Horror
When a group of freelance performers is hired to play horror characters at a Halloween party, the night turns deadly when they find themselves in a life or death game with the very people they were hired to scare.
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MJ Dunn 3 years ago

completed a review for

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THE HAPPY WARRIOR feature
Genre: War,Action/Adventure
Rating: 13%
It is difficult to follow the story for a few reasons. The formatting is not exactly the way it needs to be. I suggest researching scene headings and when continuous is used. Read a script of a film you know well enough to visualise. These can be found online on various sites. Several books and articles are available on how to lay out a screenplay as well. The spelling and grammar has a lot of issues. It reads as though English is not the writers mother tongue and unfortunately that shows. It makes the dialogue difficult to flow together and various typos and grammatical errors prevent the reader from being immersed in the visuals. The dialogue also doesn't sound natural. I would suggest reading it aloud then test how the lines would be delivered more colloquially. As for structure. I would ask, what is the dramatic need of the hero? How is that relatable to the average audience member? It is difficult to find any 3 act structure with the lack of a goal for the hero and an antagonist that stands to oppose it. The obstacles themselves the hero faces should be overcome by the action of the hero. Rising to the occasion, seeing the new attitude etc. That leads to the arc for the hero. Blake Snyder has excellent books on these areas. The massive dialogue beginning on pg 94 is excessive. I would suggest trimming or burying. The end does not relate to the start, this would be helped with a clear goal for the hero.
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MJ Dunn 3 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

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THE HAPPY WARRIOR feature
Genre: War,Action/Adventure
Two veterans of the 2nd Polish Corps met in Edinburgh to meet an old friends who became a unsung hero. In a battle which became overshadowed in WW2
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MJ Dunn 3 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!