The chemistry between your two very endearing characters, Rosh and Sal, really carries this. The tone of the story is sweet and innocent. But I feel like more needs to happen, especially since the dilemmas they run into are pretty mundane. I'd also amp up the conflict just a little more. For instance, when Sal struggles to ask Lira out, something more embarrassing needs to happen to capture the attention of the whole cafeteria. In that situation, the only people who would be paying attention are the people sitting by Lira. Unless the school is really small (like Bayside High).
Also, why is this being told in flashback? It doesn't seem to have a purpose really, unless there's some sort of payoff later in the series. But as of now, it doesn't really seem to serve a purpose. And the "cliffhanger" at the end, Lira showing up at Tracy's, doesn't seem all that shocking. Maybe to Sal it would be, but why is Rosh upset?
All in all, this was a nice effort. I think I read an earlier version of this script (I'd recommend a different, catchier title -- the title reads more like the title of an episode). And the writing has improved, but it still needs much work. The plot doesn't feel important enough. Try to amp up the scenarios and throw as many obstacles at your characters at possible. It's just a little too simple at the moment, if that makes sense.
Here are some notes I made as I read:
The presentation of the page would benefit from breaking up your action blocks by focus of action. Improved sentence structure in active voice would also make the action read better. Rather than saying “is” all the time to describe what’s happening – just by writing it, you’re already implying that it “is” happening. So, instead of of:
“The heroic music is getting louder, the person is stretching his legs. He starts too run, but he suddenly trips on his shoe laces and falls face flat on the ground, the music abruptly stops when this happens.
ROSH, the one who's currently lying on the ground in defeat, is a tall, dark skinned, Indian sophomore in high school. He has a messy bush of black hair. Rosh is wearing a red Spider-man print t-shirt with some black shorts.
While lying on the ground, he notices that his shoes were untied. Rosh tries to talk while he spits out some gravel.”
It should read more like:
“The HEROIC MUSIC grows louder, building in intensity as he stretches his legs, getting ready for a run…
And he takes off –
But immediately trips, falling face first to the ground, the HEROIC MUSIC stopping.
Meet ROSH (age), tall, dark-skinned, messy black hair, wearing a Spider-Man T-shirt and black shorts. While on his hands and knees, he looks to his feet to see his shoelaces untied.
Getting to his feet, he spits out some gravel.”
Also, your description is a bit repetitive – every action block is “Rosh does this. Sal does that. Rosh then does this. Sal then does that”. Mix it up a little, reads very robotic, kinda lulls us to sleep a bit.
PAGE 5:
“There's some text on the screen: "A few months ago..."
Should be formatted like:
SUPER: A Few Months Ago…
PAGE 7:
“LIRA (CONT'D)
... How are you guys doi--
Lira gets interrupted, midway through her sentence, by a nervous Sal.
SAL
Great! Just great! Have I mentioned how great I'm doi-
I gotta- Ummm... I gotta get to lunch, see ya...”
You don’t need to say Lira’s interrupted in the action. That’s already implied by the – at the end of her dialogue.
“Lira starts talking to Rosh.
LIRA
(Awkwardly)
Hey, I should probably get going.”
Again, the action line is unnecessary and redundant. We see Lira’s dialogue, we already know that she’s talking to Rosh, he’s the only character left with her.
“Lira starts to walk away from Rosh.
LIRA
I'll see you guys at lunch!”
You’re using “Someone starts...” way too much. It’s like every other sentence, it slows down the read, comes across amateurish. Either they’re walking or they aren’t. Keep it as active voice as possible and economize your words better. And try to mix up your vocab a little, too. Instead of words like “walks”, describe the way they’re walking.
As Lira shuffles off…
LIRA
See you guys at lunch!
PAGE 8:
“The color grading is warmer in color during the flashbacks.”
You only need to mention this once, the first time we see it.
PAGE 15: Hmm, I don’t really get why Rosh would purposely trip on his shoelaces – how is Sal benefiting? To draw attention away from himself? I thought he was trying to ask out Lira? And now she’s gone.
PAGE 17: Your scene headings need to be shorter. No need to say “A HALLWAY” or a “PARK BENCH”. Should be INT. HORIZON HIGH – HALLWAY – AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)
And, again, no need to keep telling us about the color grading every time we go back and forth between flashbacks. It’s really, really repetitive.
Also, I feel like your characters are laughing way too much at things that aren’t necessarily funny.
PAGE 22:
“Rosh looks defeated when he hears that nickname, but then he looks at the piece of paper Tracy handed him. Tracy's number was on that piece of paper. After seeing this, Rosh looks happy. Sal glances at the piece of paper Rosh was holding.”
Again, economizing your words would make this action block so much easier to read. Like so:
Defeated at first upon hearing “Rocket”, Rosh’s eyes light up as he looks to the piece of paper – Tracy’s phone number is written on it!
PAGE 26: Not sure why Lira being the friend that shows up at Tracy’s house is such a shock to Rosh and Sal. Maybe for Sal it would be a big deal, but why is Rosh upset about this? Doesn’t really make much sense.
