Louis Barbarelli

Louis B.

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LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

completed a review for

SVF Reborn Again (Final Draft) feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Thriller,Horror
Rating: 20%
A lot of energy and violence, but we don't know what's going on because we didn't see the prior episode. Same phenomenon with regard to characters: we need to see a prior episode to discover who they are and, in some cases, even what they are. Dialogue is stilted, throwaway stuff that usually consists of one character hurling threats and insults at another. Every major character seems to harbor rage against every other major character, but the reason for the rage is usually either unclear or contrived. The atmosphere seems dystopian but we can't be sure because the surrounding world hasn't been described, at least not in this episode. The two main adversaries are basically invincible. So, as you might expect, nobody is ever really victorious or vanqished, leaving room for another of those episodes.
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

SVF Reborn Again (Final Draft) feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Thriller,Horror
Has SVF finally met his match?
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

completed a review for

The Very Thought of You feature
Genre: Drama,Crime
Rating: 33%
Good premise. Characters not well defined. Dialogue not revealing of character and doesn't move plot ahead. Bring your characters to life by having them say things that illuminate rather than describe. Have characters act out their emotions rather than merely tell us what they are. The audience should be able to discern the characters' motivations naturally as things progress on screen, not by hearing each character verbally spell out their emotions to each other. Recommendations: 1. I think you need to add more about Sally and clearly draw similarities between Sally and Olivia to establish a reason for Heath to connect the two women in his mind. For example, make them both feisty and edgy as well as loving. Show how Brian seems to need Olivia as much as Heath needed Sally… and for similar reasons. 2. Develop the dialogue to reveal character, move the story forward, establish mood, etc. After writing each line of dialog, ask yourself whether the line did any of those things. Wherever possible, have the characters act rather than speak. 3. Make Heath’s attitude evolve rather than zigzag. 4. Possibly rethink the premise “We want to move to New Zealand so we can spend time together while she slowly dies.” It seems contrived, forced and flimsy. 5. The string of robberies should escalate in intensity for logical reasons other than mere opportunity and in a more exciting way. Maybe they themselves get robbed along the way and need to replace the money. Maybe Olivia gets sicker. Something to drive things to each new robbery and each level of violence. Don't abandon the premise, build on it. I'm PASSing on this only until I see the next version. Good luck!
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Very Thought of You feature
Genre: Drama,Crime
An old man goes to the ends of the earth to fulfil a promise to his dead wife...
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

SVF: Reborn (Second Draft) feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Thriller
Slaying demons and kicking ass are his specialty.
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

completed a review for

River Town feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Rating: 20%
First, let me congratulate you on finishing a feature-length script. That’s no easy task and it says a lot about your tenacity and commitment to your goals. This script moved quite fast, especially in the beginning. I thought you did a good job of setting up the story before moving on to the main action. I was intrigued that both wives, though motivated by financial necessity to leave their families, were conspiratorially looking forward to the chance for a break from their somewhat bleak lives. I sensed, however, that the secret excitement they shared could be affecting their judgement, possibly putting them in danger. I asked myself, “What’s going to happen to them?” You hooked me into your story at the right place and the right time! In Act I, I could see that you did try to flesh out your main characters, but there’s still not much that’s distinctive about them as individuals. Most notably, they all sound alike; they use the same humdrum phrasing, and they communicate mechanically as if they’re sending text messages to each other instead of talking. They never get very emotional, snap at each other, are never impolite, and never seem very stressed despite their difficult circumstances. They say things like “I don’t want to survive. I want to live without fear, with enough food that I have grown myself.” Consider trying like this instead: “Survivin’ ain’t enough for me. I wanna be able to sleep without a gun under my blanket. I want my wife and kid to fill their bellies with decent food! Food I grew with my own hands.” Make Thomas sound like the country guy he is… and give him some fire. And make him act and talk differently from Joseph. Speaking of Joseph, it’s not clear to me why he’s onscreen so much. I suggest just letting him serve the purpose of being someone for Thomas to talk to in the first act, then let him mostly fade away until the end. You don’t need three male protagonists in this story. It just clutters things up and eventually slows things down. I was a bit confused on who the “hero” is supposed to be, Thomas or Hunter. It seems you want it to be Thomas. You’re sending him off on this journey to find his wife and it seems you want the audience to follow him and root for him. Yet Hunter, who seems to be the “Van Helsing” of this story, is the guy who’s taking all the key actions and doing all the tough, brave things. That won’t work if you want Thomas to be our hero. He rarely takes any decisive action; it’s Hunter who keeps saving the day. Let Thomas do something great and heroic. In fact, let him do the MOST heroic thing you can concoct: killing Elizabeth? Destroying the illusory city? Saving his wife? As the story progresses, its genre evolves and expands. It starts as a dark fantasy, then takes on aspects of Rosemary’s baby, then the Walking Dead, etc. Each time a new genre pops up, it seems like a desperate attempt to make things more interesting. I think you should, at the very least, consider dropping the zombies and maybe abandon the devil baby. These elements don’t do anything but blur the narrative. Stick to your main story line: of a bunch of crazy satanists lure and entrap two innocent women to use them as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord. Believe me, it’s enough to create compelling drama without throwing a kitchen sink full of movie monsters. Summary points: 1. The characters would benefit from more distinct personalities and voices. 2. Consider dropping or reducing some characters (Joseph, Allegra, Laura, either Earl or Butcher) so that audience can focus on an interesting few. 3. Let the hero be the hero, aided by Hunter, but not dominated by him. 4. Limit the genres. 5. I would strongly suggest you consider developing a more satisfying ending--with Thomas at its center as the victor.
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

River Town feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS WIFE, THE FARMER IS FORCED TO FACE AN EVIL WITCH.
LouisBarbarelli
Louis Barbarelli 2 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!