the points I make later on builds on this idea). This certainly is challenging and I don't envy the task you have! So the story/structure follows a time old tradition of seeing the characters in the status quo, then a problem is introduced (act one). The character tries to solve the problem (act two). The character overcomes the problem and adjusts to the new normal (act three). In that sense, this story ticks all the boxes. It's just for me it needs something more because it is so short. It needs a twist, something readers won't see coming. Now this is of course easier said than done. But, off the top of my head, maybe you could bring the ending to the start, so we see Ben in his suit and he says that "someone's" been charged. Then we see a flashback to him, practising his bowling, dreading to go home (for some reason, we don't know why). We can then see a flashback of his childhood, which was traumatic and stressful. Then he comes back sporting a bloody eye and he alludes to a case of domestic violence. We then return to present and reveal that "The Comet" is actually his dad (so the photograph is of a man, not a woman) and his mother was arrested for domestic violence. The twist here being that as the audience we were expecting it to be a male figure. That's just off the top of my head and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something better! Character Development/Dialogue So every word, every action has to count - because you're playing with so little. So everything has to be dialled up a notch. If Sean is the "boisterous, loud" character, what's the most entertaining way he could introduce himself? It might not be "Is he already here". Maybe it's a joke? Maybe it's something that creates intrigue and alludes to Ben - like "$5 says I know exactly where Ben is in the world right now". Beth "You've got to be stupid to take that bet" Ben "Why do you think I'm asking you?" That way we're showing Ben's cheeky, but we're also wondering how/why do they know this Ben character is definitely going to be here, a bowling alley of all places! So this is something that could be worked on. Overall with the dialogue you keep to the golden rule of short snappy sentences, and no character saying more than 3 sentences at a time (I've taken this from Sitcoms, and if anything it would be even stricter here!). But again, the main way I'd improve the dialogue (and the characters) is really trying to make sure each thing they say, they're saying it in the most "Beth/Sean/Ben" way possible! Another example would be in the scene where Beth and Sean are waiting. I think you did a good job of following her character (i.e. she was angry with him but sympathetic at the same time). What's the most "Beth" behaviour here? I imagine her nervously fidgeting with something, Sean getting annoyed at this. Then Sean would tell her to stop worrying and to calm down, nothing's probably happened to him anyway (he says this because he encouraged Ben to fight and he's actually worried for him). In terms of grammar/formatting, there's also some missing punctuation and misspellings/incorrect capitalisations dotted throughout that'll need correcting (an example in this scene - it'll be two instead of two, there's a capital I on if that isn't needed, "He immediately collapses" and "Beth then rushes over" should be on one line.
Is the Concept strong/original? Yes, and it's a concept that I think will engage a wide range of people (primarily males 22+ I'm guessing?). To give some background, I'm British, 24 years old and growing up I was really into WWE so reading this is definitely tapping into that element of nostalgia. But that's not to say you're eliminating other age groups/genders, because it's common knowledge that wrestling is fake, but we've all pondered what life would be like if it was real! So you've taken a relatable concept and thought and imagined an entirely different world. In that sense I see this akin to "The Boys", which imagines a world in which superheroes exist but are corrupt. Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader? Yes - by the 10th page you've provided an introduction to this new world, set the ground rules for it and introduced us to the main character - The Beaker. You've also introduced the obstacle for this episode - Beaker's opponent (Kid Destiny). I guess my only possible improvement would be to possibly bring/end the introduction of that "obstacle" by the 10th pages. I've my work into a competition before, in which they only read the first ten pages in the first round. So I've kinda taken that as an unofficial rule, to make those first ten pages as eventful, impactful as possible. Of course, you set up that "obstacle", but require page 11 to explain it. Maybe it's worth trying to condense it down so it is fully introduced at the end of page 10. It could also be a better way of presenting that twist, it could be more impactful if it was short and snappy. Personally, I feel that it gets a bit dragged out as it goes on and consequently the situation loses some of its gravity. But this is at odds with the great dialogue here, I can totally imagine this conversation happening "Behind the scenes" in WWE. Are scenes well-written? As mentioned above, I think you've done a great job of recreating that WWE/exaggerated style of communication. Naturally, this leads to an entertaining read. Each character already has quite a unique voice. I think throughout you've kept to the "unoffical" rule of 2/3 lines of dialogue per character to keep it short and snappy. But, as mentioned above, I think at times the line is crossed between explaining the backstory and going into more detail. I think there are parts that can be omitted for the sake of pace, and this'll help add to the intrigue. For example, bottom section on page 13 if I was watching that, I could infer that Ginger Lee was impatient from the tapping of her foot. I could also sense that their relationship isn't as close because they're sat a seat apart. So, you could get rid of the build up text and simply have Kid Destiny say "Stop with the tapping. I've finally made it...", which is the important point that you were trying to make because that's what adds to the character. Of course, as I've said before, the writing style is deliberately over-exaggerated, but I think adding more elements of intrigue would make it more sustainable as a show. If I've not mentioned it before, I really enjoyed reading this and I'd really enjoy watching it. But I think something that would stop me watching a whole season of it is that everything is handed to me on a plate, rather than requiring some inference. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Beaker has an underdog vibe to him that is compelling. You've done a great job of creating a character that is morally conflicted, whose actions are unfair but I'm still on his side! You've established a further layer to him, an emotional one, that I'm sure will be explored further in future episodes. You've also established a motive for the antagonist, which I liked (and was a theatrical one that fits into this world perfectly). Is the conflict real/genuine? For this world, it is. But I don't think the conflict is going to just be The Beaker Vs Jamal. Based off Ginger's betrayal (And chemistry with Beaker) I imagine the genuine conflict will be between these two? They've already become accomplices, but I think given their ambition and drive both characters are bound to conflict with each other eventually, which I see as the true conflict in this story. This is an assumption, so it might not be the plan, but I think it's worth considering. Like I said before, this one dimensional conflict between Beaker and Jamal could get a bit stale over a whole season, so it might be worth considering. Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Yes, of course you could predict the ending but the interesting thing was seeing how he overcame the obstacle. Personally, I didn't see Ginger's betrayal, but once it happened I had that "Ah I should've seen that coming moment" which is a good sign because it means it falls within the constraints of the characters you've created. You also did a great job with setting it up for the next episode and creating another obstacle to overcome. Thoughts are already racing in my head about what will happen (will the medical examiner pick up the drug etc). I really liked this because it moved away from this WWE/theatrical bubble but stayed in it at the same time? For instance, I thought they would've gotten away with it and then we would've seen Jamal reacting with anger/introducing another challenge. But the fact that this happened organically was great and exactly what I think is needed. Overall Really enjoyed this. Didn't pick up on any spelling/consistency errors. Excited to see where this would go. Main improvement would be adding in that further element of intrigue, so the reader can draw inferences from how the character is behaving. But this is a balancing act with the theatrical/WWE writing style that already exists. I think if you could flit between both, that would be the perfect balance because right now it's heavily skewed to that theatrical side. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do think there’s a reason I stopped watching WWE as a 10 year old.
I've split the review up into categories. Areas of improvement: - Spelling/punctual errors (e.g. missing punctuation (fullstops,commas), incorrect capitalisation, action appearing as dialogue) are rife throughout. I strongly recommend taking the time to sit down and correct all of them - because of them it's really hard to read the script and understand what's happening. Scene 33 is an example, I struggled to understand what was happening in the scene because character names/dialogues/actions were all written as dialogue. Are scenes well-written? - There were some references to other X-men that are lost on me (e.g. Scott), but might not be on a genuine fan - something to think about. - You are trying to develop characters and give them opportunities to talk about their past. As a result, we are able to relate to them. But I do think this can be done more subtly. Scene 31 is a perfect example, although it's great to hear more about John James' background would he share it so openly and easily? It seems like a random moment to start pouring your heart out about your life story, after being told to suck a dick. A lot of the conversation seems to follow this trash talk style which does get tiresome quickly. I didn't actually relate/like most of the characters. - Homophobic language in scene 40 is not acceptable. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? - The protagonist seems to be Beast/Emma. Personally, I feel that Beast has the most distinct voice out of the characters and takes actions that are unique to him. - A lot of the characters have inconsistencies in how they behave. For example, Sarah is meant to be shy/nervous but in scene 31 she argues with John James. Surge is confrontational throughout the script, John James makes negative/elitist comments - which isn't the best reading. Although we learn about the character's personality, it isn't entertaining. - Out of all the characters Broo is probably my favourite. His alien naivety is charming, that brings humour to scenes. - I think too many characters are introduced, which adds to the confusion. Namely the Senator and Harmony (who is for some reason called Heather Harmon instead in the action?) in scene 39. Introducing them here is too late in the story, especially as it seems Senator is an important villain. POINT - can you merge the senator and Matthew into one. I.e. can the senator just be the Matthew, that way you have one villain to focus on and develop (it would also make a nice twist to the story). Does the dialogue drive the story/character? - Throughout the script there are incomplete sentences that seem to be missing words (i.e. page two "We need to burn" - burn what?). Severely Impacts the flow of the story and leads to confusion for the audience. - sentences could be worded more clearly e.g. "You sure though about putting together this class." - assuming Beast is asking whether Emma is sure about offering a class to students? Although this isn't clear. - I don't get why Noriko exploding was a reason for offering the class. Was it because she went off the rails and harmed others? Offering the class seems to be a contentious decision, so more emphasis should be placed on why they formed the class, maybe explain the new recruits backstories through this. - I can see you're trying to give each character a distinct voice (notably Beast) but I feel that the dialogue for other characters is unrealistic/inconsistent (i.e. Surge in scene 11). Building on this, I can see what you might be trying to do with Surge, by giving an accent (I'm presuming Scottish?) but you could add this into the character description to make it clearer. On top of that, some further research into Scottish vernacular would improve the dialogue. - The conversations follow a "he said she said" pattern, where something happens a character reacts to it then another character reacts directly to it. Pacing I feel like scenes end too early, jumping from one to the other without anything meaningful happening. I hope this feedback was useful. It takes a lot of imagination to add a new spin to an old story and you've made a great start.
A mockumentary following the party reps in a hostel as they plan nights out, host events and try to form a somewhat functioning team in the process.