-In the beginning, I was thrown for a loop because the intro is duplicated. Is this simply leftovers from a revision you forgot to delete?
-Gotta say I love the character interactions between Richard and Josh, lots of swearing can feel forced but here it seems more of a habit for the characters.
"JOSH
Really?! Huh, looks like my mamma was
wrong about me being a mini cock-boy." -I don't really understand what this means. Is his mom calling him stupid? I feel like thats the implication but it's not that clear to me. Pg5
"Richard's grin widens.
INT. - BASEMENT, NIGHT
Richard sketches..." -Feels a tad weird to just pop in here like this, maybe add a fade-out/fade-in? Pg6
"JOSH
What the actual fuck. That's fucking
trippy!" -Ok, this is funny. Pg8
"THE WORST MAN (cont'd)
Oh, you think you're so fucking
strong now, don't you?
RICHARD
You were gonna lose from the very
start. That's how it is for everyone
like you.
THE WORST MAN
You can take your so called strength
and shove it up your ass!" -Ok, here the dialogue is a tad corny, especially from Richard. I don't like that hes talking like a superhero all of a sudden, It makes sense if you want to keep it that way but I personally dislike it. I do like how he just calls the police after tho, thats funny. Also is there any reason hes stronger than these murderers? Did the machine influence his natural abilities or was that guy just really weak? If so why did no one else in the movie stop him? Why did the husband die? Was he weaker than The Worst Man? Pg11
"JOSH
Shit, dude! You got hit! Also, it
felt you were gone for no time and
forever at the same time!" -This is out of nowhere and its rather confusing. Perhaps you could show what it was like for Josh on the other side waiting for Richard? Pg12
"RICHARD
Yeah, same. By the way, I forgot to
mention, there's a projector option
that allows you to watch what I do in
the movies I enter." -I was wondering about that! Pg12
"INT. - KITCHEN, NIGHT
Richard and Josh each lean against a counter top across from
each other." -Maybe after "Fair point." Richard could suggest celebrating with a drink so its not such a rough transition? Pg13
'INT. - BASEMENT, NIGHT
Richard, wearing a welding mask, is welding a large circular
saw blade to one end of a chain while Josh stands aside,
drinking and watching Richard in awe.' -Drunk weapon-making? Hell yes! Pg14
"JOSH (V.O.)
"The Blind Spotter."" -Is he referring to the name of the killer in this movie? Why is he narrating it instead of saying it? Or is he saying it as he puts in the movie? Pg15
-Aww is that it? I was really getting into it! Stuck for ideas? Maybe one of the killers like from "Chain Shatter" escapes into the real world then Richard and Josh need to stop him? Pg17
-I guess overall you need higher stakes and more conflict. Make me feel like something can go wrong at any moment! Right now the characters feel a little too safe.
