I think that, in spite of this script's many problems, the writer shows promise and great passion for his genre. I liked Shadow Vile Figure, even though it is deeply flawed. So, without further ado, here are my detailed thoughts.
PAGES 1-3
- You should always have brief descriptions of your characters when you introduce them. Otherwise, initial scenes tend to be confusing. For example, I only noticed that Johnny was a teenager once you said that through dialogue. You should have said that in an action line.
- I liked the opening and how it started immediately with something important. I liked all the confusion that took place when introduced to this crazy concept. However, I would lean in more on Johnny's confusion since his reaction was a bit too casual.
- When you say he falls down to earth, what do you mean? You were too vague there. There are millions of ways that could be portrayed, so describe what is taking place with a bit more detail.
PAGES 4-15
- I liked the conversation where the high schoolers are talking about Johnny. It would have been interesting to see if they had opposing and clashing ideas about him. However, in retrospect, Johnny's image or his way of being doesn't add much to the story and is never brought up again so maybe this scene isn't all that necessary.
- The high school confrontation was fun. I've always been a fan of kids fighting monsters. I like the vibe you're going for.
- When Johnny attacks the high schoolers, you repeated exposition. I suggest you never do that. You made Johnny tell Veronica about his mission and then made Veronica tell her friends about it too. That's too much and it slows the pace down very much. If a character needs to tell someone something that the audience already knows, I suggest you do it off-screen.
- Also concerning this fight scene, make the kids' reactions more realistic. They're getting attacked by a demon, after all, it's not something that happens every day. Or, if this is something normal that happens in your story, make it clear early on (Scott Pilgrim vs the World is a good example of that).
- I'm starting to get a Percy Jackson vibe here, especially after the scene that takes place in Satan's apartment. I liked it very much.
PAGES 16-23
- I'm starting to get the sense that sometimes the characters don't really care about what's going on, especially with the number of times they say "whatever". I'm guessing you're aiming for quippy and funny dialogue but if your characters don't care about the story, why should the audience?
- I like how you're planting the seeds for a good relationship. I liked the slower-paced scene you had between Veronica and Johnny. Things had been moving really fast so it's good that you took a little breath here.
PAGES 24-26
- I liked it when both Veronica and Johnny were talking about one another. It was cute.
- I think you’d better start giving concrete reasons for why Satan wants Christians killed. The villains’ motivations are pretty weak for the moment. You don't necessarily have to give him something we can relate to, just something that makes sense.
- I’m starting to notice that some bits of dialogue seem very generic like “if you want her, you’re going through me”. Such dialogue is not necessarily bad, it’s just stuff that I’ve heard before. By no means should you feel pressured to change it, it’s just something I noticed.
- The three demons are completely disposable. They are easy to fight and interchangeable. Make each one have more of a personality and make them more of a threat.
- I think you missed a good opportunity to make Johnny and Victoria team up in this action scene.
PAGES 27-33
- When Johnny is in the bathroom and Veronica is walking away from it, you describe how she leaves yet you don't change the scene heading. Either add a new one just for that or say something among the lines of "we hear Veronica walk away".
- Anyways, that little scene was cute.
- I like how Johnny is trying to be hopeful about his future by reading the Bible with Veronica. However, the image you are presenting of God and Christianity seems to be too good to be true. I’m not saying this because of the religion itself, I’m talking purely about its place in your narrative. It feels like a potential Deus Ex-Machina (and it ended up being one, I'll get into that later).
PAGE 34-39
- I liked the build-up to Johnny's confrontation with Aaron. The dialogue leading up to the fight was great. Maybe draw it out a bit more to accumulate tension.
- I liked the scene where Johnny and Veronica talk about sins, not only because of the fact that you started acknowledging the black and white aspects of Christianity but because I thought that a nice moment between the two was earned.
PAGES 40-46
- I was feeling the moment when Satan showed up at the doorstep. However, he quickly leaves and nothing happens. He hadn't encountered Johnny personally since the very first scene so I think this important moment was wasted.
- I think the scene where they go back to high school really interrupts the flow of the story. It’s unnecessary and the characters there are unimportant. I would have combined the previous Satan scene with XYLYD’s attack.
- In fact, why did you include XYLYD in this story? His character and the fight scene he's in don't add much. You have Satan's fight right after this one, which made this one feel rather pointless.
- Concerning the fight itself, it wasn't all that great. I appreciate that you made Johnny more vulnerable here but his eventual victory didn't feel earned. What made him win wasn't something specific to him. Instead, he just pulled a Thanos move. In fact, this goes for all fight scenes. You shouldn't make your story halt once you reach an action scene. Especially when you rely a lot on action scenes, which is great, you should be able to make them more compelling. Make each one have its own narrative beats were characters make decisions and where the story's direction is at stake. I recommend you look upon this, it could really enrich your work.
PAGES 47-63
- Your characters are afraid of Satan. This would have felt more real if you had presented this villain as something more than a fool. Don't make him weak to begin with.
- The verse reciting that was used to defeat Satan felt too much like a Deus Ex Machina. In fact, it fits the definition perfectly as it is literally God himself who is helping our protagonists.
- I liked the creative way that Satan was killed. I liked the subversion of Johnny's death even more. It felt like something straight out of Deadpool.
- I liked the post-credit scene but I would get rid of all dialogue there except for the final line. It ruins the tense atmosphere you had skillfully crafted.
Overall, I enjoyed your script even though it still needs reworking. I believe you've got the spirit of a good writer. I hope this has helped. Good luck!
