Screenwriter, and writer of other things. Looking for representation for writing screenplays either in film or TV. Also, working on several screenplay projects in feature film and a television pilot. In addition, I'm working on collaboration projects. In 2018, I plan on attending an MFA program in screenwriting. I am 53 years old, father and grandfather, and a generally an all-around good guy.
There are some structural things that need to be addressed to improve this script. Hopefully, I can address them clearly. The concept is not very thrilling or compelling. Okay, some jack ass wins millions. I don't really care what happens after that. Maybe adding something in there to give your logline and concept a boost might work wonders. Carl seems to wander around aimlessly causing trouble wherever he goes. There's no purpose in his movements other to show the kind of person Carl is. that's fine, but that could be done in a few pages instead of half the script. It's not clear what Carl's goal is, what's at stake, and who is going to be his pain in the ass. The ending is kind of anti-climatic. He finds out he won the lottery in the last scene. Great. What happened before then? David Mamet said, "You have your hero and he wants one thing." There's more to it. There are obstacles in their way and there's someone conflicting with the hero preventing him from getting that one thing. I know this is a series, but you have to set something up clearly in the pilot. The first few pages read like the last few pages. There's no difference. A good hook or inciting incident usually draw a reader to want to see what's on the following pages. IF you don't grab them up front, your script is tossed aside. Then, it's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down. This was more like a flat line that kept going downward. The pacing was hard to get through the script due to some problems. Large text blocks, some spelling and grammar errors along with formatting. Think white space when writing a script. There are some scenes that can be removed and it wouldn't hurt the story. Some can be combined. Also, the dialogue is just okay. It's also forgettable. There are ways to improve that. Humor, sarcasm, irony, etc. Subtext, too. That's a good technique to learn. There's also some points were action can replace dialogue (show, don't tell). I hope my review helped in some way and gave you some ideas to improve it?
Five young, starving, artist, roomies trying to ‘make it’ without killing each other in the process.
A distraught, young man seeks revenge on a serial killer that is the estranged son of the police captain, who killed the young man’s parents 18 years ago.