PROS
THEME. The theme of friendship and sticking together is one that anyone can relate to so it has a lot of potential whether with people reminiscing about the times they had that kind of experience, those living it and those yearning for it.
MALIKIH. Malikih's character was well-developed, he had a distinct voice, he was credible and he was compelling.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
YOUR INTENT. There are a number of questions you should ask yourself to improve the story:
- What is the point of this story? Why do you want to tell it in the first place?
- Who is the main character and what is he/she trying to achieve? You need a goal, or a mission, or a quest, well, something to drive the story. I was unsure if your main character was the ensemble of the 5 friends (goal: succeed in life) or Ralph & Chuck (goal: rock the party) or Deacon & Malikih (win the game). A clear and single line of action is needed to avoid losing the reader (and viewer subsequently).
- What triggered the goal/mission/quest? What is at stake? E.g. The threat posed by Quick? A contract if they do well at the open-mic? A scholarship if they win the game?
STRUCTURE. One of the most basic rules is that a story needs a clear beginning, middle, and end. And they need to flow into each other logically. At the beginning, you need to establish your main characters, who's up to what and who's trying to stop them. What they are after and how they conflict each other. Any backstory and background information should be inferred from the action and dialogues not told right out as side notes or intros. If you must resort to intros and epilogues, voice over may be an acceptable option. Without this kind of structure, your script will sound like some account.
SHOW DO NOT TELL. By all means, film is a visual medium, so please show things, actions, reactions, do not make an account of them.
E.g. 'Their neighborhood was a busy one, always cars coming up and down the road, children playing in the yard. If you want to find someone all you literally had to do was go outside.'
If you must convey this in your film, a flashback of what the neighborhood used to be would be more appropriate.
'Later they all meet at the game and it's not what they were expecting down 21-0'
How about: They sit down and watch the game. The score is now 21-0. Their faces fall.
'Malikih turns a faces them two with his arms folded.' This is good showing. We know Malikih is being wary.
RHYTHM, TENSION, CONFLICT. Your story needs a rhythm, it is too random at this point. Once you have established where your beginning, middle and ending are, use conflicts to build up the tension to move the story from beginning to middle to end. Establish the need, the mission and the main character in the beginning. Send him on the mission and give him a hard time in the middle. Just between the middle and ending, let us believe he failed and then reverse the situation (climax) and finally let everything find resolution (and maybe a happy ever after) in the ending.
STORY ELEMENTS. If something does not contribute to the story, it should not be included. For instance, was it absolutely necessary to have each one of them knocking and entering separately and getting cereal? Or have Ralph wake up and brush his teeth? How does any of that contribute to the story? You could have started by showing all of them a round a bowl of cereal and sharing their plans (which must be relevant to the story). If you mention a gun somewhere, it has to play a role somewhere else. This applies to every element you include in your script.
