The first two acts of the story come across as a character piece with a few strange occurrences thrown in. The high concept part of the story doesn’t show up until the third act despite the openings earlier on like the suitcase.
The character theme is strong. Casey tries to balance his desire for a better life with doing the right thing. It’s a relatable theme because we all want better for ourselves and are looking for opportunities to improve our circumstances.
The plot is interesting but lacking obstacles. Casey gets into the Program immediately. He wins the first challenge without thinking. He faces a moral dilemma in the second challenge and then passes the third test with flying colors.
His real challenges lie in his relationship with Siren. By participating in the program and keeping it from Siren he creates a large obstacle for his goal of marrying her. This is where the story loses direction. Is the plot centered around Casey’s relationship with Siren or the strange antagonist Jameson? The two plots are fighting for center stage. Based on the last act, the Jameson storyline needs to play a dominant role with Casey’s relationship as the subplot.
Casey and Siren are simple characters but feel three dimensions. A good sense of their personalities and backgrounds come out in dialogue and actions. Jameson falls a little flat. He comes across as a typical eccentric, money-hungry billionaire with a god complex.
Casey’s character arc would appear to be getting his morals straight and standing up for what’s right. But his challenges create more of a flat arc with a small payoff at the end.
The dialogue is great. It's natural and flows nicely. Everyone has their own voice while maintaining a sense of connection between characters.
The stakes don’t feel high enough to provide a satisfactory pay off at the climax. Jameson has cured cancer and created a flu-like disease. Cor’s infects many but the severity of the disease is not defined in any case other than Siren’s sister’s. What the angry newscaster scene says about the disease is not clear. It sounds like Casey and Siren have some money troubles but nothing severe enough to make Casey desperate enough to lie and cheat.
As a high concept story, the pace in the first and second acts is slow. The action doesn’t start until the third act after Casey discovers the truth about Jameson. If that revelation were moved up to the midpoint, the story would have more conflict with Casey protecting himself, friends, and family while trying to find a way to take down Jameson and release the cure for Cor’s.
The style of the story is reminiscent of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Videodrome. Surreal occurrences cause the reader to question what is really happening. This creates tension through a sense of uncertainty and a curiosity for what’s to come.
More scenes like the ones with the suitcase of light, the secret building floor, and Jameson’s effect on Casey and lights incorporated into the second act would improve the pace and increase tension. Creating a more consistent style.
These scenes could be meant to build the surreal style of the story but are confusing and don't feel intentional.
pg 36 MALL - It's unclear who is arriving and who was there already. - Casey and Lila arrive together. They meet up with Casey and Camaro. Casey hugs Lila.
pg 41 PLAZA - Copywright is not in the action but has the first line of dialogue and then enters halfway through the conversation.
pg 77 - MANSION - Casey enters the front gate. Then he's in the mansion at Jameson's desk. In the previous scene, Casey is already in the mansion talking to Jameson.
pg 81 - OFFICE - The gun which Casey refers to as a sword which Jameson says is a machete.
Overall, it's a good concept with the potential to be a real mind-bender. It's well-written with clear dialogue. With a single dominant plotline, quicker pace, stronger character arc, and three-dimensional antagonist, it would make an entertaining movie.
