I cannot give a fair review because the script got 3 fundamental issues. The good thing is that they should be quick to fix.
First of the script is not properly formatted. scene headings are not in caps. Example:
Ext. Republic Ship - Hallway
P4
I have to use pdf page numbering as the document does not have page numbers.
The dialog does not have the names in caps:
Announcer
(On speaker)
If I can everyone’s attention, the auction is now beginning, I
would like to invite everyone to stay down in the main hall
until the auction has ended
P12.
This dialogue got more issues than caps, it should be O.S or O.C.
The lack of formatting makes it so hard to have an overview of the scenes and dialogue. I get tired and have to think twice where they are and if they are talking. This should take less than an hour to fix. I recommend you to use a script writing program that formats this for you. Trelby for an example (free).
Second issue is the names. The names are modern American names, Like Malcom and Oscar (coincidentally the authors name is Oscar as well). This ruins the atmosphere of star wars and makes me wonder if it is a scifi in our universe. Star wars got tons of lore and some research for better names should be easy. This should also be less than an hour to fix.
In fact there are several hints that this universe is ours. Example:
Gladwyne
Oh for sure because a hawiaiian shirt is perfect for robbing a man's fortune
P16
Does that mean Hawaii exists in star wars?
Connor talking to wookies:
Connor
They don’t speak English do they
P72
The characters sounds like American tourists that has gone on vacation to Star Wars. Be careful with references to our universe.
While on the topic, dialogues are overusing exclamation marks. Be sparse with them, or it reads like a whatsapp chat:
Chelsea
I’m okay!!
Marc Kena
Are you hurt bad?
Chelsea
Not badly! I’ll try to find a way to you!
Marc Kena Okay!
P72
There's even triple exclamation marks:
Connor
You go already!!!
P22
The third issue is the amount of characters and the lack of introduction. First 2 pages got nothing less than 8 named characters (and this does not include the intro text). The characters are not properly introduced, as a reader I am just supposed to know who Oscar is, how he looks like, his age, etc. I know this is episode 2, but readers (like me) might not have read the first script. Even new characters are not introduced.
Study how characters are described in scripts. First time they are mentioned the names are in caps. Usually the age and some sort of overall atmosphere. Example:
The waiter is OSCAR, 30s, a jedi master in disguise.
Because the huge amount of names and lack of introduction I have a hard time remember who's who. I suggest you remove some characters from the plot, and I suggest you to not name characters that has no impact on the story. Have them as GUARD 1, etc.
This fix might take some time to do, but should not be too tough.
The combinations of these three issues makes it too hard for me to concentrate on the plot and give an honest review about the characters and story. But don't worry, while they have a big impact they are easy to fix.
