j j

j j.

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jj
j j 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Honey Mustard feature
Genre: Horror
After being stiffed, an unhinged waitress, hellbent on revenge, torments the customer who didn't tip her and his surprisingly resourceful family. "Don't Breathe" meets "Joker".
jj
j j 4 years ago

completed a review for

Tidal High television
Genre: Drama,Comedy,Family
Rating: 27%
There are some structure issues in the script that makes it difficult to review the plot and characters. I think it would be better to give a review once these issues are fixed. First of the story is not told with any flow. Multiple characters are introduced in a row, and descriptions are not very interesting. P2 HOLLY CHAMBERS: A 16 Year Old Girl, she is the leader of the Cheerleading Squad. She is also the best friend of SANTIA and RUBY. She is reckless and likes to have fun, but stays grounded. SANTIA THOMPSON: A 16 Year Old Girl, she is the best friend of HOLLY and RUBY. She is fearless, loud mouthed and not afraid to voice her opinion, she comes from a latino background. RUBY DYER: A 16 Year Old Girl, she is the best friend of HOLLY and SANTIA. She is dim-witted, but does the right thing always, she is the voice of reason in the group and helps HOLLY to stay grounded. This type of info dump is difficult to read. Try to shorten it down. Example. "Holly Chambers,16, bright and energetic, the typical cheerleader." The second major issue is the number of characters. Try to trim down on characters that don't have an impact on the plot, or give them less room. This also confuse me because I can't tell who's main character. The story starts with Courtney, but after that she's barely in the story. Because of this I do not know what the plot is, or what the characters actually want. Fix these things and I think the story will be interesting. It has potential, and the issues are easy to fix.
jj
j j 4 years ago

completed a review for

Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" television
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Rating: 40%
It is a nice story about friendship. Both Rosh and Sal are likeable. As teenage boys their goals are clear from the start: get a date. Rosh is confident and Sal is nervous. It's a nice dynamic that causes conflicts. However the story is told in flashbacks and already hints they failed. So what is their goal? Get another date? I think it's not clear or exiting enough. The episode ends without telling the outcome of the flashback. I think the story would work much better if the cliffhanger was not a part of the flashback. Another issue is that the dialogue feels unimportant. I think the flow would be better with less talking and more action. The pace is very slow in the beginning. First page is basically Rosh falling on his face. I think the story would have more tempo if it started with the canteen scene directly, and preferable skipped the flashbacks. Other notes: There's a lot of shoot script vibes. Remove these. "You can see a silhouette..." P1 Remove references to what I can. I'm the reader. Just "a silhoutte..." Is better. "The camera slowly pans" P1 This is shoot script. I want to read a story, to read the word camera distracts me from the story. "he's wearing a gray and black hoodie with a pair of black jeans" p1 This is too specific unless relevant for the story. Write something like "he's dressed casual" Try to not use so many parentheses in the dialogue. Show it by the way the speak or action instead. SAL (Startled and nervous) He- Hey Lira... Ho- How are you doin-? LIRA (Confused) Ummm... I'm doing fine. Lira shoots a glance at Rosh, but he just shrugs and acts like he knows nothing. LIRA (CONT'D) (Confused) ... How are you guys doi- SAL (Nervous and interrupting) P5 The over use causes the dialogue to feel unnatural and clunky.
jj
j j 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Tidal High television
Genre: Drama,Comedy,Family
Welcome to Tidal High, where drama is always happing. Follow along with Jacob, Mason, Holly and Ruby as they navigate their way through high school with their teacher Courtney Garcia.
jj
j j 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" television
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they realize how struggles and setbacks can fuel a lot of change, even in the span of a few months.
jj
j j 4 years ago

completed a review for

Star Wars Episode 2 The Force’s Reckoning feature
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Thriller,Action/Adventure
Rating: 13%
I cannot give a fair review because the script got 3 fundamental issues. The good thing is that they should be quick to fix. First of the script is not properly formatted. scene headings are not in caps. Example: Ext. Republic Ship - Hallway P4 I have to use pdf page numbering as the document does not have page numbers. The dialog does not have the names in caps: Announcer (On speaker) If I can everyone’s attention, the auction is now beginning, I would like to invite everyone to stay down in the main hall until the auction has ended P12. This dialogue got more issues than caps, it should be O.S or O.C. The lack of formatting makes it so hard to have an overview of the scenes and dialogue. I get tired and have to think twice where they are and if they are talking. This should take less than an hour to fix. I recommend you to use a script writing program that formats this for you. Trelby for an example (free). Second issue is the names. The names are modern American names, Like Malcom and Oscar (coincidentally the authors name is Oscar as well). This ruins the atmosphere of star wars and makes me wonder if it is a scifi in our universe. Star wars got tons of lore and some research for better names should be easy. This should also be less than an hour to fix. In fact there are several hints that this universe is ours. Example: Gladwyne Oh for sure because a hawiaiian shirt is perfect for robbing a man's fortune P16 Does that mean Hawaii exists in star wars? Connor talking to wookies: Connor They don’t speak English do they P72 The characters sounds like American tourists that has gone on vacation to Star Wars. Be careful with references to our universe. While on the topic, dialogues are overusing exclamation marks. Be sparse with them, or it reads like a whatsapp chat: Chelsea I’m okay!! Marc Kena Are you hurt bad? Chelsea Not badly! I’ll try to find a way to you! Marc Kena Okay! P72 There's even triple exclamation marks: Connor You go already!!! P22 The third issue is the amount of characters and the lack of introduction. First 2 pages got nothing less than 8 named characters (and this does not include the intro text). The characters are not properly introduced, as a reader I am just supposed to know who Oscar is, how he looks like, his age, etc. I know this is episode 2, but readers (like me) might not have read the first script. Even new characters are not introduced. Study how characters are described in scripts. First time they are mentioned the names are in caps. Usually the age and some sort of overall atmosphere. Example: The waiter is OSCAR, 30s, a jedi master in disguise. Because the huge amount of names and lack of introduction I have a hard time remember who's who. I suggest you remove some characters from the plot, and I suggest you to not name characters that has no impact on the story. Have them as GUARD 1, etc. This fix might take some time to do, but should not be too tough. The combinations of these three issues makes it too hard for me to concentrate on the plot and give an honest review about the characters and story. But don't worry, while they have a big impact they are easy to fix.
jj
j j 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Star Wars Episode 2 The Force’s Reckoning feature
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Thriller,Action/Adventure
Lord Malcolm continues to capture Jedi from across the galaxy which causes Master Oscar and his Padawan Connor to go into hiding on the Planet Soiven. Meanwhile Master Marc Kena and his Padawan Chelsea Wilson search for the ancient Jedi and Sith scriptures before the Empire finds them
jj
j j 4 years ago

completed a review for

8 Bits feature
Genre: Drama,Comedy
Rating: 73%
First off the writing is just amazing. The text flows well and the dialogue never feels bloated or unnatural. The writer has skills to write any kind of story when it comes to structure and flow. This story is a difficult one to write since it doesn't have a traditional protagonist or antagonist. There are several characters, but the writer manages it well. All characters got unique personality and their own way of speaking. It's shown rather than told as well, there is no annoying exposition or passive characters. So what could be better? First off I did not find all characters interesting. Even with their deadly sin traits, they were not always very extreme. What did they actually get done in their scenes? I think some characters could use of a better subplot, or show their traits in a more extreme situation. Another issue with this nontraditional story is that there's no real goal. As a reader, I do not know what to pay attention to. Often this is saved by witty and well-written dialogue, but some sort of common goal would make it easier to read. A minor detail is that there could be a lot of scene shifts. Perhaps using sub-scenes would give it a better flow, or skipping some of the shorter scenes. The flashback scene with the parent's photo was hard to follow and too long. I would try to either not have it as a flashback or make it shorter. Summary: An extremely well-written story, the writer has the potential to write anything. Too many characters without any clear goal, the story would be more interesting if more important things happened to them.
jj
j j 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

8 Bits feature
Genre: Drama,Comedy
What you seek might be in front of you the whole time!
jj
j j 4 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!