I'm a Bachelor in Audiovisual Arts, specialized in Screenwriting, from Argentina. For the last decade, I've been working as writer and director on extremely low-budget independent projects; including two future-length movies and a handful of short films. I'm looking towards broadening my experience and working in bigger projects.
All in all, a great idea that needs to be written in a more serious tone and manner. Exploration of grief by the main character should be at the center of it. Slowly building tension with the murder and supernatural elements should take place on every page. Complexity should pour over every character. I would recommend you trim down all unnecessary accessory elements, focus on Jeanie's struggle with the death of her mother. Start by giving them a more nuanced relationship, a real peace to be made. Send of Marilyn in a tension-packed sequence that indicates something about the mystery of her death. Plunge Jeanie in the proper depths of the emotional trauma this would ensue. Slap her mental stability with subtle indications of paranormal presence. Build up her trust on the ghost of her mother and solve the case. Truly solve the case without unnecessary twists that damage the plot and characters.
“Pivot” is a very formulaic script that fails to be cohesive. Conflicts are picked up from very common places and forced into a story that doesn’t actually have a proper structure with an underlying theme that holds them together. I would never cast a script aside only for it being cliche, as classics are classics for a reason, but here the elements are just thrown into the pages with no real construction of a narrative. My recommendation would be to go back to page 1 and re-construct everything under a main conflict, with a proper introduction, development and conclusion. Make sure scene by scene that the conflict is actually being developed. Then the same for the characters, and then the secondary conflicts, which should be somehow tied to the main one. Give the characters depth and goals. Then go back to the dialogues with an advisor and breathe some life into them. By the end, you could have a classic troubled-yet-prodigious-youth script.
"Again to Love" is comprised of very little more than the minimum elements to compose a romance. Extremely low character count with not much personality to go around; a single plot-line that runs mostly without conflict; dialogues that work surface-level and with little nuance; scenes that are almost always mono-thematic; and practically no character development to speak of. I will expand on each issue and the do a summary at the end. As far as the reader is concerned, there are only four characters in this universe. One of them is highly secondary, adding very little to the story. The other three unknowingly see themselves involved in a love triangle. This triangle is strongly and fortuitously interconnected: Idunn (an exchange student) wants to be with Will (her hostess son), Will wants to be with Idunn but used to be with Theresa (who wants to be back with him), Theresa is tutoring Idunn and pushing her to date her ex (unknowingly). That it, nobody has any friends or relationships outside this triangle except for Olivia, who is both mum and hostess, and Theresa, who by the end finds another date. Idunn a couple of times talks to or about her family, but they shine by their absence both physically and of relevance. Furthermore, this characters don't present much in terms of personality, except maybe Theresa, who is very forward sexually and prone to sudden anger attacks. Yet the little they do have sometimes get contradicted, as the somewhat shy exchange student presents itself as very fiery by the end, both sexually and socially, without any explanation for the change other the fact that she had sex. I would recommend you populate the script a little bit more and find personalities to tie to the characters, ideally related to the plot. There's basically one plot: the aforementioned love triangle. No character has anything else going on in their lives. Moreover, this plot runs without any real conflict until the 70% mark of the movie, where the fact that there's a potential triangle is revealed. Before that, scenes just put forward two characters meeting each other. One could say getting to know each other, if there's was anything to know, but this characters have almost no background and the little they have, as Will's father dying not long ago, doesn't seem to affect them in the present. After the conflict manifests, it gets resolved immediately. I would recommend, keeping along my first recommendation, that you put in place secondary plots, giving characters more to do, and also have their actions informed by previous events in their lives. Maybe Olivia is moving on with her life and starts dating, maybe that affects Will somehow, maybe Will is emotionally distant after the death of his father and not completely over, maybe that is what caused the breakup so there is a reason to consider getting back together. At the same time, the main love story needs a proper conflict from the get go. Maybe Will is emotionally distant, or Idunn doesn't want to get involved as she is supposed to leave back to Iceland soon, maybe reveal the triangle a lot sooner and find ways to take advantage of it more. "Will they? won't they?" is not present here and should be the core of the plot. Characters usually just put forward exactly whats on their mind without nuance. There's almost no subtext to the lines and no conflict appears from characters misspeaking. I would recommend to get your characters talking about other subjects of interest to them and in more obtuse ways, get some lies in there, get some confusion, get some verisimilitude. Scenes work almost entirely to get some information to the audience or forward the meeting of the main love story. A particularly worrisome case happens on page 6, where Theresa enters the coffe shop and talks to Will just to tell the reader that they know each other and that she is taking on an tutoring, which is immediately after revealed to be Idunn. I would recommend you work in the scenes all my previous recommendations about additional plot-lines, conflict, background, interest. Characters, since they don't have hurdles to get over, don't develop. The only reason Will and Idunn don't immediately start a relationship is that they don't know each other enough. But then they go to a couple dates and the relationship starts. The one point that could've been of conflict, their interrupted first kiss, just gets brushed off as, the next time they meet each other, this is not mentioned at all. They need individual reason not to want to date the other one, twisted reasons that they eventually surpass to do what their heart tells them to do. And therefore grow. In conclusion, characters should have personalities, personalities should be tied to their backgrounds and inform their dialogue; plot should have conflict and related sub-plots; scenes should involve all these levels. This is the bare-bones of a love story. But the bones are there and are good enough. Now you need to add all the meat, so that it feels like a rounded story.
“The Procidat” is a by-the-books horror-thriller script that works perfectly fine in all aspects of this genre’s storytelling while not excelling in any in particular. The main characters are a typical family of a dedicated wife, an absent father and an introverted only child. Their characterization doesn’t really go much further from that, with the exception of the father, who's actually trying to do what’s best for his family despite his flaws. The secondary characters receive even less development, they do work as they are but never manage to go beyond the basics. The evil they face is interesting in a Lovecraftian manner, but the way it is presented, by over-explanatory flashbacks, really deflates the tension and grounds it too much. Having said that, it is refreshing to have a properly horrific being behind the terror, in contrast to the more psychological-base horror that is currently on fashion. On the same line, I also appreciate that the characters react mostly in a logical and intelligent way to everything they face; again, in opposition to the usually dumb and self-defeating decisions we see nowadays in most movies of this genre. Talking about that, one of the points where this praise is more clearly seen is in the dialogue. Characters, after some understandable hesitation, do eventually tell each other what’s happening and what they want to do. And by that I do not mean to say that the dialogue is superficial or over-explanatory, but that characters don’t blubber in-comprehensive noises and actually do talk to each other to solve their problems. At the same time, the characters each have a voice and a way of expressing it. All in all, the dialogues are quite good. The plot is properly built yet never manages to present something truly attention-grabbing. The progression of the supernatural elements is well done, with a nice crescendo. But the logic of the evil and what it wants, even though present with even too much detail, still managed to confuse me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough, but I just couldn’t connect his will with his methods. What’s the point in showing the people that come into the hostel visions if what you want is to steal their son? Why does it want to do that anyway? Does he feed from children’s souls? Does he want to separate the family? What are its powers exactly? How did it survive in the end? How is the physical hotel itself linked to it? At the same time, there’s not much more going on in the script in terms of secondary plots besides the husband remorsefully cheating on the wife. This appears to be somehow connected to the main plot, as if the evil wanted to keep the child for himself because he has bad parents, but this concept is not really explored. The parents have their problems, but they are by no means bad or even negligent. In relation to this, themes and underlying meaning are either quite lacking or I missed them completely.