Eva Fay

Eva F.

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EvaFay
Eva Fay 4 years ago

completed a review for

Softcore Bishop television
Genre: Drama,Comedy
Rating: 53%
The concept was the most intriguing part to me. It mixes a bit of reality (job losses because of COVID) with a some humor (from engineer to porn writer) Gives me almost a Breaking Bad kind of vibe, except instead of drugs it's porn. Maybe that's just me. Haha. The story is written out well, it's pretty easy to follow. Here are a few things I think could workshop a bit. The opening scene where Simon sees the folder on his desk and the gift card falls out, maybe you could add a little more reaction. I feel like it kinda ends too quickly with him yelling over the gift card. Maybe he punches his desk, rips the folder in half, something like that. It's not a bad scene by any means, I thought him getting just a gift card after all his hard work was pretty clever. When Jessica and Simon are arguing at the gig, I also think it could go a little further. Maybe before Jessica hits him, there's a bit more build up. It seems kinda sudden that she would hit him over saying something like "Probably" when asked if her daughter hates her. Maybe Simon say something more harsh that causes Jessica to react that way. And I don't know if I would have Simon comforting her after she just hit him either. I guess this action tries to characterize that Simon is a good guy, even when someone wrongs him, but I feel like in this case he's in the right after telling her off. Or, if you do want to comfort her, maybe Simon says look I'm sorry, but what you did really hurt us, or something along those lines. I think the the dialogue could be spiced up more. Lonnie is the only character that had a distinct way or speaking. She's foul mouthed, blunt, a little bit edgy, the other characters not so much. Maybe Simon comes across as a bit more nervous since he's suddenly pushed into the world of porn. Maybe Izzy is more carefree in his speaking and vulgar, he's the head of a porn company after all. Also, final note, it was a bit odd knowing that Izzy's nieces made acted in films for his company. Even if he didn't watch them, it still feels a bit odd. I don't know if something like that is common in the porn industry, but it made me raise an eyebrow as I was reading. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.
EvaFay
Eva Fay 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Softcore Bishop television
Genre: Drama,Comedy
His job replaced by a machine, a single father of three must make ends meet. He turns to writing adult films.
EvaFay
Eva Fay 4 years ago

completed a review for

Foxblade Episode 1: Pilot television
Genre: Action/Adventure,Animation,Comedy
Rating: 53%
I think the concept is a good and this would work well for an animation. It's fun, there's a lot of action and I like the use of anamorphic animals . I would say my favorite character was Murphy. I would take out the opening fight sequence between Roxy and Dave. I would prefer to see the story unravel leaving room for the surprise fight at the end. (Roxy says, "I should probably start this story at the beginning." I think you should too) The biggest gripe to me is the use of the voice over. Apart from the very beginning and the very end, I don't think you really need it. For example, page 4 Roxy says, "That's me, Roxy Redtail....." I think that part is fine. I would take out the part about the super-beat down and tell more about her life. You could combine the part her and her roommate into one piece "My name is Roxy Redtail, 26 years old, more detail about her, and this is my roommate Jack Cottontail. He's into video games, detail, detail" That's where I think the voice over works. Where it doesn't work is on page 8. Roxy has a VO where she says asked what the corporation does, but nobody gave her a straight answer. Then, immediately following that we have dialogue between Roxy and a co-worker where Roxy is asking what the corporation does, but they're giving he vague answers. THEN, immediately after that Roxy has another VO saying not a single employee gave her an answer. Why explain something that the audience just saw happen? Between the dialogue of Roxy and the co-worker, we can tell that the job seems a bitch weird and sketchy. The VO of Roxy just doesn't seem needed. Another example is on page 12. Roxy has a unpleasant conversation between Nivea. Roxy gives another VO where she says every office has a bitchy co-worker that she should avoid. Again, we don't need the VO of Roxy saying Nivea is bitchy. We can tell because of the dialogue we just saw between the two of them. The same thing happens on page 26. Murphy tells Roxy about her where she came from and the origin planet. Then, Roxy has *another* voice over where she says, "So, just to keep a tally......" But why does she need to keep a tally? Why does she have to summarize something the audience was told about moments ago? Remember, show, don't tell. I'm not going to go through every single voice over, but it seems there's a habit of using the voice overs to explain something the audience just saw happen. I would go back and look over all the voice overs and see if what she's saying is really needed and take some out. Also, more of a minor thing, You put a lot of brackets in their dialogue. Like on page 11. Nivea goes, " [Coldly] Small talk. You're doing it again." The coldly in the brackets doesn't need to be there. We understand that Nivea is a bitch, we assume just by the dialogue she's giving that she's saying it in a cold tone. Whew, that was long. I hope this helps. You got a lot of imagination and fun ideas. Keep at it. Just be a little more mindful of the voice overs and remember to show! Don't tell.
EvaFay
Eva Fay 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Foxblade Episode 1: Pilot television
Genre: Action/Adventure,Animation,Comedy
Roxanne Redtail discovers an evil plot to destroy the Earth and becomes the powerful hero Foxblade to prevent it.
EvaFay
Eva Fay 4 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!