I am a lover of stories! I love to read and review various scripts so if you need a first fifteen request or a review I am the person for you! I hope I can bring you good feedback, critique and positivity! Good luck to everyone! I love all dramas, I am not a prude nothing is too explicit, raunchy or gory for me, just be sure to make it the best story you possibly can!
I don't have much for you on the story and concept aspect on this script because in all honesty it was pretty good, I can definitely see this being a movie. Your characters has good rapport with one another, the development between the love interests were there and not many parts of the story dragged. I believe Hanna and Max have really complex relationship dynamics between them but in a way it's also simple, Max seems unsure of where he stands with Hanna in the beginning of the film and then something unfortunate happens now Max is with Jackie and then Marissa it was a lot to go through as a reader so I can only imagine what it will be like to go through as a viewer. I just have a couple of critiques when it comes to the formatting. You're lacking transitions; CUT TO:, DISSOLVE TO:, etc and slug lines. At a couple points in the script you included the action in the dialogue column so it was hard to read. Also you put VO for Hanna during the telephone conversation instead of OS, unless it was supposed to be a split screen and if that's the case then VO and OS are not needed, only writing "split screen begins" and then "split screen ends" when it's finished, aside from the formatting/ structure I think it's a really good script! I'd like to see more development between Max and Marissa though otherwise it kind of gets overshadowed by Max and Hanna. Good luck!
At first I was confused and a bit surprised that this passed first fifteen because the formatting is lacking in a major way. The cover page doesn't have the title nor does it have your name, so you'll want to fix that. The next part is you have action in the dialogue column for example: " CONNIE (CONT'D) Maybe (to the other boys You all need to go straight home if you can make it. Please don't do anything. I know how you feel, but the police- HOWARD The cops ain't gonna help my old man guard his store (sprints out of the auditorium) STOCK FOOTAGE OF NATIONAL NEWSCASTER OPENING THE EVENING NEWS with bulletin about King's murder. Montage of Black Bostonians or their families watching in horror in their homes or listening on WILD RADIO in homes, streets, or places of work." - the way you've sort of meshed this all together is extremely confusing and it's hard to get through. But the dialogue and characters are there I'm just having a hard time following them because the structure and formatting of dialogue. I'm not trying to be harsh but I can only assume that whoever approved the first fifteen was also not aware of the correct formatting. You're also lacking transitions and slug lines. My advice would be to google how to format or use a template from your screenwriting software or if you have not purchase screenwriting software than you should because the formatting has to be corrected before one can even begin to full get into the story.
I don't have much of a critique and I'm sorry if this bothers you when I compare it to things I've watched or read but this honestly reminds me of a more in depth and obviously black version of Full House. It's very current as far as dialogue and language goes. There are a few typos in the beginning like in the description column you wrote Cara leaves the children and I think you mean't Cara leaves the room, also in the teaser you said "outside the luxurious style" and maybe you mean't home or estate??? and there's a few others and I'm sure after a proof read you'll catch them, all of the typos are easy fixes. My favorite character so far is Selena because she was the main focus of the episode but I'm equally interested in the others as well like Faline, Seiana, etc., and I'm also curious about this Derrick character. I know he's dead but he sounds like a very interesting husband and father but not in a good way. There's a certain hint of ominous about this script it reads kind of like a mystery than dark but it's only episode one so maybe the dark part hasn't come in yet. Overall I think the dialogue between the characters is very realistic and it does give off a family vibe. Seiana and Sanaa seem like really good moms and I'm already rooting for the love to develop between Seiana and Domenico! Also Sanaa and Antonio. Not so sure about Faline and this Jaiceano character though he seems like a player and I've definitely had a few Amarie's in my lifetime as I'm sure others have so I'm excited to see where this series goes and more about all the characters and exploring their relationships with one another. Lastly I enjoyed the interrogation scene that Faline and Selena put Domenico through, I hope he passes!
I don't have much of a critique, there's as much dialogue as there is description but luckily all of it can be shot so it's not misplaced or miswritten I should say. I would suggest just maybe cutting it down some otherwise it takes forever to get to the dialogue and it ends up dragging the story. I would also suggest maybe playing around with the title or changing it all together, Reconstruction is kind of a blah title it doesn't really stand out to be honest. The main thing that stood out is that you are lacking transitions; DISSOLVE TO:, CUT TO:, etc. These should be before the slug lines; INT., EXT., POV., and also just making sure you're picking the correct slug lines for each scene. The next thing is just working on dialogue and character development since this is a time piece and the language is intentionally outdated you have to be creative in how it's written and make sure that it flows while also making the audience interested in the characters and at this point even though your characters like David has been through rather traumatic ordeals i.e. slavery, they lack depth. It reads almost as if this comes from biased perspective or how one thinks a slave talked and acted back then, almost like a parody and the dialogue when the freed enslaved are speaking sounds mocking with the overuse of "allelulias" and there appears to be an apparent white savior complex in the beginning with David and Walker or at least I assume David is Black and Walker is white by David calling him sir and Walker using the slur pickaninny I can only guess since the only real description you gave was to the character Alice, so that's the last thing just going back and adding character descriptions. Oh and if it's a TV series you'll want to put the episode list and reoccurring characters at the bottom of the page. Good luck!
Hello again! I'm going to hop right in, once again I don't have much for you as far as structure, I did have some critiques on grammar but then it occurred to me after reading your BIO that perhaps the grammar and spelling is intentional since you're multilingual you've been able to adopt how it translates for your characters in the dialogue if so that's smart if not then you might want to run this through spelling and grammar check. The characters at this point at pretty developed and I'm finding Jian to be a pretty astounding character, I can't help but wonder what he was like before Yumeko entered his life because he honestly has the potential to be an assassin or the gang boss he jokes about because he is downright brutal and he holds no punches when it comes to his family. I was surprised at how dark it turned yet it still kept it's romantic and loving moments, it was intwined well with the chaos. Some new characters have been introduced like Yumeko's Aunt Shaina and her Uncle Luke and I'm curious if they will remain together because truthfully his reasoning for having his in-laws raise his son are completely inexcusable if I was Shaina I'd seriously consider divorcing him! Judging from the cliffhanger Jian may lose both his child and his wife and if that's the case I shudder to think how far he'll go to get vengeance. This is a really good story and I can't wait for the finale! Good luck!