Reviewing a short is unique and interesting because the writer has to develop a character or characters, tell a story and bring it to a climax within a few short pages. You've done that well here. The story itself shows promise and the concept is neat, although not unique. With that said, there are some areas that, if worked on, could make this a really interesting script. First, the character development. As I mentioned in my first sentence, developing a character in a short can be difficult. Other than the few Youtube awards, we don't know that much about her. If would be interesting to see or hear how much she makes from this enterprise, or why she chose that over something else (cash strapped college girl vlogs instead of waiting tables or dancing at a club.) I had to read Janet's part again to be sure I didn't miss anything. I assume she's a friend, but a simple line such as:
Martha wakes up over the constant vibration of her phone. She squints her eyes and reads the caller ID; Bestie!!! (JANET, 20, Best friend of Martha) and answers.
Otherwise, we don't know who Janet is or why she's calling at Midnight. Who's Rob? Janet tells her it could be Rob because he works late. That makes no sense to us because we don't know who he is or why he would be near her apartment. Also, I'm confused about why Janet thinks that Martha produced the video of the bound girls. You write that Janet says, "Awesome viral, girl. How did you do that? Those bounded chicks and screams. Well played." That insinuates that Martha put it together, and the whole point of her vlog is that she does reactions to the videos she's sent. (Also, it should be bound chicks, not bounded.) I may be missing something, but that's how I read that.
The last area that needs some work is the actual dialogue. When I taught commercial script writing classes 30 years ago, the number one rule was to read what you wrote out loud to see if it sounds correct. Writers get caught up in what they're writing that they sometimes forget to read it out loud. Here is a small example; you wrote:
JANET (V.O.) (CONT'D)
If you're scared, you can call the
cops...
In a heat of the moment situation, the word you usually isn't spoken because you're only talking to one person. It should read:
JANET (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Call the cops if you're scared.
Like I mentioned, I like where you're going with this and with a little tweaking, I think you have yourself a nice short! Good Luck!
