daniel demeter

daniel d.

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A DAY IN PASADENA Draft #1

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womanizer is prime suspect for a murder of a housewife he has been fucking.
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daniel demeter 5 years ago

completed a review for

Meat The Family short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Comedy,Horror
Rating: 0%
Now this is my first review and trust that I do not mean to talk down, or even know what the hell I am talking about. But because of that, you get a real viewpoint from just a plain old dude who likes films. Also, I am doing this as I read it, so that anything that needs clarification for its meaning or description - makes sense chronologically. The intro is overly dramatic with poor word choice in dialogue- nobody actually speaks like that. Lay the scene with more specifics but with less feeling on how a person viewing it would feel but more on how the scene should feel. Picking things like a specific cigarette brand and describing a scene as "whiter than the 2016 academy awards" is just unnecessary. If you want, use something like " a bent- almost broken filter-less cigarette" or " a fresh out of the pack stogie " and for describing the skin tone just use plain old "ghostly white". You can use the new space in your screenplay to focus on things that need more description. The moms skin was PURPLE? why, is she a zombie? describe her skin, describe her clothing, her hair, but use descriptions not feelings. Further down there's a few grammar and spelling mistakes in the dialogue about the mothers sexual identity. Then after that bit of dialogue you jump scenes without showing scene change. Side-note I would change her name to Jan or something dike like so its not completely corny, too many damn "J" names haha. When the scene changes with the mother being on stage? the dialogue says "My mother, as weird as they are,will never, and I cannot emphasizeneverout weird my father." why are you using "they"? If this has something to do with her species? then mention more descriptions about her being of another kind earlier on. Then with the " JAMES JONESThat’s me as a young lad, beingsuccumbed to whateverextraterrestrial horse shit my dadwas feeding me that day." -but you said the uncle was the weird one earlier involving extraterrestrials? Then the oragasms part? I get what you're trying to do here but the dialogue is wrong for whos saying what and in what order. Then more scene changes without declaration after the father - son talk about younger self. Holy crap the unlce is "uncle jones"? haha, this alone would distract half the audience because everyone has a J name, its distracting me from focusing on the dialogue. Now jane is correcting James on her own use of the word "retarded"? thats --- well... yeah... Now a 14 year old is dating a guy with tattoos that works at the shipyard? More spelling errors in dialogue after. Now the children are kissing and in love? Based on his dialogue earlier its pretty obvious that young james even feels that this is his sister but now his dialogue contradicts what he said before. Jane talks like shes in her 20s not early teens. More dialogue of James Jones on stage talking without scene changes? scanning through the rest, more of the previously mentioned mistakes.
danieldemeter
daniel demeter 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Meat The Family short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Comedy,Horror
Have you ever wanted to know what's out there? This will tell you.
danieldemeter
daniel demeter 5 years ago

uploaded a script.

A DAY IN PASADENA feature
Genre: Comedy,Mystery/Suspense,Romance
womanizer is prime suspect for a murder of a housewife he has been fucking.
danieldemeter
daniel demeter 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!