Hi,
The first thing of note is the concept itself. I like it: I find a sort of symbolism to the typical 9-to-5 work-life--the just-getting-by, angling for something often not achieved, all for someone else's fiscal benefit. Your story is quite poetic in that sense. However, I think there is something to be found in the execution. In particular, the language. For instance: at the beginning, we meet Elvira as she's getting turned down for the job--there are some issues with setting.
We see a younger woman walking out of an office. She seems a
bit down. From the office (this needs to be, 'from a room' etc. Because as is, 'office' leads me to think this is a whole space, which is clearly not what you want. Later, you reference this space as a room, so I'm guessing this was just a mistake.) we hear someone calling after her.
CLAIRE FONTAINE
We will let you know miss.
Somewhere (sometime) this week probably.
When the young woman is no longer close, we hear grinning
coming from the room.
INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - DAY (give us another scene heading, like 'another office' or something. Unless this is supposed to be the same office)
A man sits behind the front desk. He is going through the
manifests before him with a lot of focus so he doesn’t
realize there is a woman at his desk. He doesn’t look up
until she clears her throat.
This is a simple mistake, but one one that caused me to reread and focus on what you were trying to convey, instead of it happening naturally and quickly.
There are quite a few breakdowns with the language within your script like the ones I highlighted. The nuances need to be honed in. You seem to have developed a nice concept, but I'd hate to see you turned down over simple language missuses.
The last thing is the dialogue. It's all very generic and stilted. You even have a character say, "you're in a bit of the pickle." If there's a certain comedic style you have in mind, some sort of direction you have for the whole piece, I certainly didn't get it from the script itself. But if you're playing into the rigid feel of it, it could work, I suppose. I'm just not sure if you're doing it purposefully from the script alone, is what I'm saying.
Anyhow, all in all, I liked your piece. Clean up the language and you have a concept that is certainly worth consideration, at least in my book.
Keep up the good work!
