Although the concept isn't original, it is original in its context. I opening sequence was well crafted by building an intense moment, but the first act was too long and could have had a quicker pace. I found some of the scenes lacked clarity and made it difficult to visualize but had just enough for me to get the jest of what you were trying to convey. Some scenes like the interview with Rick could have been omitted because it didn't affect the central narrative and Jonathan's father already painted that picture in his dialogue. Expositions are key to bringing the reader into the scene and creating a mood. I didn't find Jonathan to be a strong protagonist because he didn't overcome anything or learn anything through his character arc. A well-designed protagonist will start with a conflict or issue that he/she can't overcome and throughout the story will learn to overcome it. Jonathan was unemployed at the beginning and unemployed at the end. You could have utilized a quick montage of Jonathan having several interviews and towards the end of the story, he would have gotten a phone call, text or email from either Rick or a previous interview with a job offer. The dialogue had one voice and each character must have his/her voice and tone which makes them unique. Also, I had questions like how would Jonathan's father know what he spends online unless they shared an account and/or app? This was never explained and made the dialogue fall short. You had several incomplete character descriptions (i.e. Bus Driver, Grandmother, Todd, and Rick). It is important to give a brief description because it helps the reader get a visual interpretation of the person speaking. I felt Jonathan should have bought a cup of coffee and a donut from a nearby cafe instead of a hotdog vendor because it’s snowing and a hotdog vendor out in the snow isn’t as realistic as a small cafe, or you can have Jonathan run into a nearby liquor store and contemplate buying booze but settle for coffee and a bagel or donut. This would hark back to the conversation with his Dad lecturing him about spending money on booze. Also, this can have a deeper meaning for Jonathan who drinks to masks the pain of what he did in the past. Also, after the Bus pulls away from the Hooded man and he isn’t seen anymore, Jonathan should relax and slowly close his eyes, exhausted from all the excitement. This way you can insert a nightmare where a lone kid is in a playground having fun and as Jonathan approaches he notices the kid is dead, then a hand grabs Jonathan from behind and it’s the Hooded man. Jonathan can wake up screaming and this will foreshadow the ending and relationship between Jonathan, the kid (Sammy) and the Hooded man (Sammy’s father). Overall the story has potential and good elements. A few more drafts will make it a suspenseful short! Keep up the good work and continue writing.
