An interesting concept in which the homeless population use magic to support their lives. While the plot is a fairly formulaic three act story, the ideas behind it keep a reader (and potentially a viewer) entertained. The pacing is well done and brisk. At times, there is a need for greater world-building or character building which would also slow down the pace for a moment or two. However, this would be recommended. While the absurdist and surreal humor does not always convey itself onto the page that well, in the right hands it could have an almost early Zucker brothers air to it. Not in a zany respect, but a proper visual atmosphere would be necessary to bring this story to the screen. A good balance of this absurdist humor and dramatic surrounding has been struck by the author, in that the surrealism doesn't make light of the depravity of the setting. A few areas for improvement: I'd like to see some character descriptors when new characters are introduced. While a few have them (e.g. gentle giant), a great many do not. This would help bring the world fuller to light, and aid a producer in casting decisions. In addition, once a character is introduced in all caps, he/she doesn't need to be in all caps for each action line. It is particularly detracting during the final confrontation where characters in all caps are in each action line. Side note: The term 'hobo' is used incorrectly. Hobos are homeless migrant workers. If a person is not willing to work, he/she is not a hobo. Finally, dialogue. For the most part it flows well. Especially with supporting cast and Hobo Baggins. However, at many times Outlander's dialogue is stilted and awkward. Highly recommend reading the dialogue out loud to aid in finding where it doesn't 'flow' to aid in revision.
Interesting concept for a short. I would like to know more about the protagonist's motives leading to the twist and it's not entirely clear how he was able to achieve it, with a third party delivering drinks that could have been prepared in the moment. The twist, however, does work well. A few specific notes: The first narration upon return from the restroom is of no use and it could be better served to simply follow him from the bathroom to the table and not narrate the movement (e.g. the old adage of 'show, don't tell'). While this would be the most likely opportunity for the protagonist to spike the drinks, it could either be an opportunity to show this, or an opportunity to play with the idea (maybe we join him as he walks past the bathroom and the drink station and it's not clear which he was interacting with?) Every dialogue we hear between the couple shows how different they are, so the protagonist's desire for her is unclear. At one point he narrates "...could not help but keep imagining what else would come of the evening." This begs the question of if he poisoned the drink, or 'roofied' it. If it was the later, the reaction to the 'date rape' drug is inconsistent with actual effects and could be revised. Further, I have to question how the protagonist would likely remove the female from the scene if he had incurred the effect. Overall, a good concept for a short that could be very interesting and could be done very well, however, some revision could tighten the project up.
While assuming this screenplay is a sequel, the screenplay jumps in en media res picking up where the presumed previous entry ended. Unfortunately, this leaves the reader a bit lost, as the action lines discuss previous information unknown to the reader. One key example is that the protagonist, SVF, isn't introduced in an industry standard format, leaving the reader unsure what he looks like. Because of this set up, the reader never really gets to understand SVF's powers, origin, or motivation. A recap or flashback may help with this. The plot is, overall, fairly predictable, but at an entertaining pace. Overall the dialogue is rather simplistic. Most characters simply "talk tough". Overall, the dialogue needs a good polish. However, there are a few humorous moments among the antagonists and the character Victor has strong potential as an interesting character. It is obvious that the characters SVF and Veronica care for each other, but there is not much unique in their voices when they speak to one another. Most of their dialogue is either straight and to the point, or purely sexual. In addition, with the exception of his relationship with Veronica, there are few likable characteristics to SVF. He is blunt, rude, and short with everyone around him, save Veronica. While this may be the desired traits for this character, it causes him to not be very likable. A great deal of the action lines give rather detailed instructions for actors to follow. This may wind up being a detriment to production, but does indicate an excellent potential medium for this project. We recommend the author consider changing his format from a screenplay to a printed medium. Namely a graphic novel. This project may transition very well to that medium and may fit nicely.
An energetic action short with thriller/ horror tones, this short has a great deal more potential, should it be fleshed out. The protagonists are introduced en media res as a group of largely unconscious college students. This opening is then quickly transitioned to the main plot. In such a short opening sequence, we learn little about the protagonists that would cause us to care for them. This first act could do well to be expanded, as it is only one page. The dialogue is direct and to the point. Unfortunately, this often causes the dialogue to be too expositional. And, in many cases, unnatural. Another pass for revision could clean this up nicely. While suspension of belief is a necessary function in fiction, a few action scenes involving the shotgun could stand revision. The action lines describing the use of the shotgun reveals that the author could stand some more research on the subject, vis a vis damage inflicted by shotgun rounds and the amount of recoil from firing one. In all, this short has all three acts and has potential to be a strong short.
A family on the brink of collapse tries to reconnect at a quaint Bed and Breakfast for the weekend, but a supernatural evil in the house has other plans.