1- No title page, every single screenplay should have a title page, you just have the title on the first page.
2- “intro” you don’t “intro” a screenplay, you would do a voice over before you fade in. you also need to point out who is talking. Everytime.
3- No slug line. Every scene needs a slug line.
4- (Scene 1. Ralph wakes up and washes his face, brushes his teeth. Walks into the kitchen and pours a bowl of cereal, then someone knocks on the door) you can’t start a scene like this, you do a slug line, then the action, where you describe the place and the characters, so far, we know absolutely nothing of what the house looks like or what the characters look like.
5- “Ralph: Who is it?
Charles: Chuck E.
Ralph: Come in” this is the wrong structure for a script. I implore that you research correctly structuring and formatting your script
6- “(Charles walks in Ralph stands up they shake hands, he sits down and continues to eat. Charles sits down)” again, this is not how you structure action.
7- Sorry but at this point I have to ask if you are a native English speaker or not. Some of the sentences are formed poorly.
8- Again you do not introduce new characters, they could be anybody and anything. We need to know who these characters are.
9- Also what is up with the handshakes? These are “homies” correct? I feel that could be done better.
10- “Charles: What are you doing out so early?
J.T.: What are you doing out so early?” you did this once already, doing it again makes it repetitive and slightly annoying.
11- You also need to work on some of the grammar.
12- “(They all laugh)” this just sounds odd……
13- “Today Wednesday....I think I can be ready” not only is sentence structure mistakes it is also not very well done. He makes a exclamation that is unnecessary and makes him seem slow.
14- “Deacon: Stop playing open the door (Ralph opens the door Deacon comes in shake's everyone's hand and sits down)” you again do not introduce the character and the hand shake this is still weird.
15- “(Everyone laughs)”
16- “(They shake hands and depart ways. End of scene 1)” your whole structure is a mess but you do not announce the end of a scene.
17- “(Scene 2. Their neighborhood was a busy one, always cars coming up and down the road, children playing in the yard. If you want to find someone all you literally had to do was go outside. The scene opens with J.T. and Ralph standing outside talking about the party and his performance.” Again, do not start scenes like this and do not number them. And you only include what the audience can see. How do they know you can find someone in the neighborhood? They don’t unless you show them.
so I am going to stop there.... it needs alot fo work. The story has promise, but first, learn how to structure a script. Then work on your sentence structure and English. Bad English in a script can turn people off. Imagine or imitate scenes, if it seems weird, it probably is. The handshake this is kind of questionable. ALWAYS introduce your characters with age, description of how they act and their action of how they come into the scene.
