To begin with, the concept is very interesting. The idea of the sterility that touches mankind is a good one and how the government could handle it is really fascinating.
The logline is okay, I don't think that the one I provided is better but I'm not sure for a producer. The first ten pages go straight into her dream and it's interesting but after that, I think we stagger a little bit too much around her laying in bed and Ciera making her understand that she needs to take her life into her hand.
In terms of scenes, there are lots of scenes a bit confusing P9 Her colleague save her, she said thank you and then apologize saying it wasn't her fault. Maybe her colleague looked at her a certain way or act but you didn't show us in the action lines. P26/27 the discussion between Khal and Isabella is all (V.O) but they are together when it's happening?
During the entire flashback with her mother and dad, stepdad. I was lost. You have moments where you have longs action lines but it feels more like a roman. Show don't tell. There are lots of instances where you tell and don't show. In almost every character introduced after the age, you add an adjective for example: male Attendant (28, naive) instead of saying "naive" show us directly, the way he talks and acts.
The protagonist and antagonist are compelling their stories are very interesting the only thing I could say here, it's work on the delivery. For example, I'm still not sure about whose human or not or if everybody is half-human. At some point, I understood that they wanted to have pure human than after that they wanted to get rid of homosexual and in the end, I wasn't still sure of what the government wanted to stop or not stop.
The dialogue doesn't feel natural and it's hard to recognize each character's voice. They kind of all talk the same and there are a couple of times where it doesn't feel natural. Maybe smooth it out, give a tone to a certain character, or even a character who doesn't talk and say it all through his gesture.
Again for the conflict, it's interesting and confusing at the same time. I was lost during the story even if I felt that there were good conflict.
I don't know if you rushed the climax but it feels like it misses something. When she deals with her mother I didn't get it that she was still alive and back to the government. I see that you finish the story and thinking of a sequel but instead of it, I think you could work on the characters present and give a better climax.
To finish there are some typos, missing words, missing letters.
