Alyssa Jefferson

Alyssa J.

Ranking
Fade In
Reviewer Rating
Scripts
4
Reviews
1
Scripts
feature

The Gardener Draft #2

Sign In to see % Rating
In the 1950s, a neurotic florist's strict routine is derailed after stumbling across a murder scene, and he's thrust into a conspiracy only his all-consuming obsession can unravel.
short

The Empty Draft #1

Sign In to see % Rating
A veteran's struggle with mental illness is exacerbated when he finds himself trapped in his small apartment.
feature

Restless Dreams Draft #1

Sign In to see % Rating
When James receives an unexpected letter from his lost wife, he sets off to find her in "their special place," a trip that quickly turns into a waking nightmare of twisted monsters.
Reviews
Following
Activity
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 4 years ago

completed a review for

Meat The Family + Meat My Uncle Short Story 37 pgs. short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Comedy,Horror
Rating: 47%
The formatting makes it unnecessarily challenging to read, but it's seems as though you know formatting, so perhaps this is a software issue. Consider looking into a free software to make things easier for both you and the reader in the future. The lack of slugline in the introduction makes it difficult to understand where we are. The mention of the many faces-- are we zooming in on a man in a crowd? Who's then lighting a cigarette? The spacial description has me lost. Is this an introduction like a Creature Feature, or are we Flashing Back? It feels like a stageplay, but with the time hopping it must be for film. It's quite a monologue, and I'm struggling to understand why were going on this tour. The visuals feel more like emphasis. You're flipping the saying "show, don't tell" on it's head, which can be a huge challenge to do right. Your characters either have to be hugely relatable, or absurd, and I don't think it's enough here. It's not until page 10 that we get a full scene. Format-wise, it's a challenge to break down dialogue vs. monologuing, so I'll say that the dialogue is fun. I like the antiquated speech, as it lends to this alien feeling overall. I think the story could be told more succinctly with much less monologuing/introduction and outro. By page 22, it ocurred to me how bonkers this could be translated to a one-man show, but it's difficult to understand how this story would be told. I hope your next draft is formatted for easier reading, as it was super intimidating, and it's weird to be intimidated by slapstick fear-boners.
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Meat The Family + Meat My Uncle Short Story 37 pgs. short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Comedy,Horror
Have you ever wanted to know what's out there? This will tell you.
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 4 years ago

uploaded a script.

Restless Dreams feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller,Mystery/Suspense
When James receives an unexpected letter from his lost wife, he sets off to find her in "their special place," a trip that quickly turns into a waking nightmare of twisted monsters.
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 4 years ago

uploaded a script.

The Empty short
Genre: Horror,Mystery/Suspense
A veteran's struggle with mental illness is exacerbated when he finds himself trapped in his small apartment.
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 5 years ago

uploaded a script.

The Gardener feature
Genre: Crime,Mystery/Suspense,Thriller
In the 1950s, a neurotic florist's strict routine is derailed after stumbling across a murder scene, and he's thrust into a conspiracy only his all-consuming obsession can unravel.
AlyssaJefferson
Alyssa Jefferson 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!