I LOVE good psychological horror and DETEST the latter. While I REALLY feel this writer has good ideas brewing somewhere within, this story is very much the latter.
I’m of the opinion that any bad story can be salvaged. I would never tell a writer to toss the whole script out and try again. If this writer BELIEVES in this story with their heart, then I encourage them to make it work; and i’m here reviewing scripts because I LOVE film and I know what it feels like to be told your work is garbage and unsellable. I hope we’re all here to lean on each other for advice on what works and what doesn’t, and I hope I can give this writer exactly that, as a scholar and a lover of film.
The truth is, I’m just not a fan of this story.
First of all, I gotta get something out of the way that the writer needs to KNOW up front.
In the “Additional Notes” section, i’ll go over specific examples of some of the mistakes. I just wanted to say, this script was DIFFICULT to read.
All it would take on the writers part is ONE proof read to hopefully understand why.
The lack of punctuation and odd phrasing’s had me tripped up too many times to lose myself in the story.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my writing, and I appreciate them being laid out by readers endlessly.
Just understand your work is a reflection of you and your writing process. Respect your image as a writer. Give your work a simple once over. Your readers will appreciate it and so will their imaginations as you take them on this journey.
I want to talk about the GENRE the writer subscribes to: “HORROR”.
I love horror because of how broad the genre is. You can write everything from a horror/drama to a horror/comedy. Being frightened by something is a very raw feeling. Layer on the comedy or the emotional weight to that dread and suddenly you have a broad spectrum of entertainment value for your audience.
The genre in “HE IS HERE” is inconsistent. There were times I had to stop and double check the writers chosen genre just to make sure I wasn’t being duped into a black comedy, which I would have really respected because I LOVE black comedy.
The first bout of confusion came when Jack actually ‘googled’ “Demon constantly watching me”. That just tickled me. Not to say you or I wouldn’t go running to google for help if we were also being stalked by a demon, its just the idea of it.
The audience doesn’t want to watch Jack defeat evil by googling it, they want to witness his struggle and the odds he’s up against.
I had to read Mr. Browns part in J. Jonah Jameson’s voice. He’s just such a smarmy dick. At one point he tells Jack he could be replaced with a “tomato”? If that’s lawyer lingo then I wouldn’t know, and the audience wouldn’t either. The writer even hits Jack in the groin at one point for, I assume, no other reason than for a pratfall during a very tense situation.
Jack himself is a hilariously pathetic character, which segues me into CHARACTERS on the whole:
We should want to pull for our main character, even in a short film. I can’t root for Jack. For one: he’s a lawyer, but not JUST a lawyer; he’s a lawyer that tells us right off the bat he defended a serial murderer. Now he feels “bad” about it all this time later. We even find out that Jack, through some “hole” in the case, was able to bust this admitted serial murderers sentence down to a mere 3 years in a mental health facility. I’m sorry you feel torn up Jack, but that takes more than just “doing your job” to pull off that miracle. That’s going ABOVE and beyond to defend a guy who told you personally how much he loved murdering innocent people. I’m just not buying into his plight.
I CAN at least feel bad for him whenever he talks to Lucy, a character I would describe as emotionally inconsistent. Trust me, I’ve been with my wife since high school for a total of thirteen years; I KNOW how the opposite sex operates sometimes. This is just a bit too much for me to see a character move between being pissed off that Jack clearly has PTSD, then crying, then threatening to show police evidence against him, then personally taking them to a therapist for help.
I COMPLETELY understand that the intention was for the audience to question the reality around Jack. I would just REALLY hope that the writer wouldn’t use that as an excuse to write these hyperbolic and inconsistent characters. There’s more fun ways to make your audience question sanity. The little bit about the disappearing coffee was a GREAT example. I was really hoping to read more off kilter moments like that. Although I’d recommend a rewrite to say “Jack reaches for the coffee but see its now an empty cup in the trash” to imply time has significantly passed without us noticing. Shit like that freaks me out, and its effective if done well.
Shifting into the FINAL ACT of this story, i’ll say this:
One thing I really don’t appreciate when moving through a story is feeling like, at any point, my time has been wasted.
I felt that when Jack gets Owen to give him Neros address only to find out Nero is the guy who ran away from Jack in the cafeteria and it turns out Nero WANTED Jack to find him. There’s NO NEED to give me the run around. Instead of feeling any sense of dread, I’m just wondering why Nero didn’t just ask Jack to pop on by the old homestead to talk about “creepy pale hands”.
Again, I COMPLETELY get it. Jacks crazy, he didn’t have a conversation with Nero or probably even Owen. In fact, taking all the events into consideration, I can only assume Jack just imagined this whole story.
Insanity is something that’s too often used as a crutch for psychological horror writers. When the writer implies to me that everything I’ve witnessed is just “make believe”, then I feel like my time has been wasted; And there simply wasn’t enough intrigue to make anything feel “worth it”.
To be clear, there’s good ways to make this twist work. But, it rarely ever works now after the torrid of failed attempts in this genre. Just assume your audience is expecting this twist because I certainly was.
The good news is that I really felt like the writer has good ideas. Lawyers defend serial murderers in reality after all. But, you don’t normally see that crooked lawyer as our main character. There could be a lot to dive into with that idea.
As well as the “pale hands waving”. Not the most unsettling thing imaginable, but that would be up to your cinematographer to make that look good. What I liked about the idea is that its subtle. It’s not “THEN A SPOOKY BLOODY FACE JUMPS OUT DA CLOSET!!”.
It’s slow, elegant, and most importantly unexpected.
It’s just so unfortunate for the writer to establish this many cliches of the genre around good ideas
Namely;
**”I’m not crazy!!”
**”You know something!!”
**”This case is eating you up!!” And etc.
I encourage the writer to look at the current landscape of horror and understand how WILD and exciting the genre is getting. Its like this because cliches have been beaten to death. Not that cliche ridden films don’t still get made, but guess where they end up? Bottom of the barrel and poorly reviewed.
I would encourage this writer to get inspired and stand out in this genre, even if its simple twists on simple ideas. Understand what’s a cliche, isolate it, then FLIP on its head. Otherwise, this writers ideas are going to get left behind.
Thank you so much for your work, and letting me review it.
I sincerely hope I was able to impart some inspiration and encouragement.
I’ll leave you with a great quote from H.P. Lovecraft:
“I never ask a man what his business is, for it never interests me. What I ask him about are his thoughts and dreams.“
I look forward to seeing your dreams as a writer but most importantly...your nightmares...
