I'm not sure where to start with this one. It was clearly written by someone who learned English as a second language or possibly doesn't speak English at all. The storyline makes no sense. How does a janitor for a football (soccer) stadium in the UK end up in jail in America? It's implausible. The characters are flat. The main character is unlikeable and says fuck a lot for no apparent reason. The dialogue... So dialogue is supposed to advance the story or reveal information about the character. His dialogue fails on both fronts. There's a lot of info-dumping in the dialogue which doesn't really make sense. At some point in the story, two players beat another player to death during a game, and then we just move on like nothing happened. What??? The conversations are either dull and pointless or exist as info-dumps only. The writer clearly enjoys soccer and knows a lot about it, but does not seem to grasp what audiences would be interested in seeing. There's no descriptive language in this script. People are 'sad' or 'angry' or have a 'furious look on their face,' but we don't know why, nor are we ever shown why. We just have to take it on faith. 'Gay' or 'fag' are used as insults. Is this set in the 80s? Make it make sense. The character names: It helps when characters actually have names and personalities. 'The Chinese Man' is named Tang, but the writer continues to call him The Chinese Man. 'Prison Guard' is unnamed. Is there only one guard in this prison? There's a lot of random masturbation in there, why? At one point, Jacob gets a conjugal visit from a sex worker who works the prison. Why would he get special privileges? Why would a prison hire a sex worker? I would like to have something positive to say, but I have to be honest so the writer can grow. My advice would be to read at least five pilots of American shows so you can get the hang of American speech patterns.
Excellent concept. The lore is unique. The worldbuilding is strong, but the story could have benefitted from an explainer scene or a flashback to the 'pre-apocalypse' world. I couldn't tell if this was supposed to be augmented reality, an alternate reality, or this reality post-apocalypse. That could be intentional, but it's confusing. The first ten pages drew me in. I wanted to know more about Dream right away. Dream seems a little more "real" than Silas. It's clear that Silas is a good guy, but you don't get a good idea of who he is, personality-wise. He's not memorable or compelling in the way that Dream is. Specific notes: On page 3, SAM uses the word 'affrighted.' This made me think SAM was older than he looked. On page 5, Father Malcolm says "take a piss out of this." That made no sense to me. Was it British slang? another phrase that more clearly conveys meaning could be helpful. The dialogue between Sam and Silas on pages 16-20 could use work. Silas does a lot of exposition that could be worked into the story in a more organic way. Also, this should be an opportunity for us to get to know and love Silas, and it's not. Silas seems like he is stuck at age 10 mentally. If that's intentional, great. If not, why is he being infantilized? In the scene with sister Susan, he also acts like a child. Pages 24-30 where we meet the company of light has excellent descriptions and weak dialogue. Deputy Commander Patrino and Commander Darwinski are cookie-cutter authority figures with no actual personality. Pretty much everything they say ends in an exclamation mark. It could be more impactful if they were written differently. Angels who know their power don't have to yell. They just cause pain. Patrino could be a walk slow, talk low, carry a big stick kind of guy. Darwinski says: "I am the commander! I reject your insubordination!" That line in particular didn't work for me, it was like a verbal stomping of feet. Try something that reveals more about Dream's relationship to high command, like: "We gave you a long leash, but now it's time to heel" or something like that. Also, the name is... meh Everything else was great. It moved quickly, the plot has legs, the beginning foreshadowed the end, it's a page-turner.
In a post-reparations America, biracial twin sisters must reach Canada to escape white supremacist militiamen who have overthrown the government.