john3ch

john3ch .

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john3ch
john3ch 5 years ago

completed a review for

The True Haven - Episode 1: Welcome Home short
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: 47%
The build up of excitement and tension is good. Liam's angst concerning his writing career and finance and the mystery surrounding the forest community is built up well. Just enough details are given without giving up the whole story, which adds excitement. The characters reactions to the events in the story could be more realistic to help engage the reader. There were times when I'd be distracted from the story because I didn't think characters where believably reacting to what was happening around them. For example, Jane and Liam's initial reaction to hearing Macalister on the radio seems too tame. Normal people I'd think would be much more freaked out. Strange that Jane is so eager to meet meet strangers in the remote forest. Perhaps if you built up Liam's desperation to get a good story, or if you made it so they accidentally came across the community. Also, the moment they first came across a person in the woods should have really freaked them out. Jane's reaction asking "hey what are you doing up here in the forest!" seems too bold. And Jane's leaving Liam alone in the woods with these strange people seems unlikely as well. If she's scared for herself, then why isn't she scared for Liam? And if Jane is reluctant to drink the strange local water, why isn't she stopping her friend from drinking it too? These may seem like small details but they distract from the story. If you can fix these small issues, I believe the viewer will be more engaged. The good thing is the story itself is solid. Once Liam and Jane enter the forest, the story seems to take on life, but the events leading to that point seem a bit slow and mundane. I believe there's a way to shorten this part of the story by cutting parts out. Perhaps the scene with Liam at his publishers is unnecessary. You explain everything that happened in the meeting when Liam goes over the event on the phone with Jane anyway. And the transition from the first phone call with Jane to their second call back-to-back seems like an awkward scene jump. Either jump to a completely different scene, combine the similar scenes together, or add a scene in between the similar scenes. It would be different if the second time Jane came over in person rather than talking to him on the phone again. But the fact that they're talking on the phone again is repetitive. Another solution to condensing the beginning of the story could be getting rid of it entirely, and starting the story right when they head out for the forest. You can explain the events leading up to where they are with the use of flashbacks.
john3ch
john3ch 5 years ago

completed a review for

Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
Rating: 47%
The writing and flow of the story is good. Some areas where I think the story can improve is in the build up to the twist at the ending. Although the twist in surprising, it seems like an ending that was chosen merely to shock the reader without consideration to the continuity with the rest of the story. For instance: how does the viewer resolve in his mind what the boy was seeing outside his window? Was it a reflection of himself? Was it a memory? Or did he see a beast other than himself? The conclusion to the story doesn't answer the questions the viewer asks during the course of the story, and wants answered by the end. Another continuity issue is in the way the daughter saw things play out when she was on the pier with her brother. Who's eyes did she see in the photo if they weren't her brothers? And what was she hearing moving around in the woods if it wasn't her brother? It also seems strange that a timid boy who doesn't show any trace of malice throughout the course of the story suddenly becomes a blood-thirsty monster. If you answer these questions I believe it will help bring a feeling of resolution to the ending, and more satisfaction for the viewer. A way to make the story more engaging could be to make one of the characters the focal point of the story. The POV seems to jump around evenly from character to character, so it's difficult for the viewer to identify with a single person. You can try telling the story primarily from a single character's perspective. The boy seems to be the ideal choice. The focal point of the story seems to be on the daughter crying wolf, and stressing what a brat she is. But I feel like this should be a side note of the story. The highest point of tension/interest in the story seems to me whether or not this young boy can learn to resolve what's real and not real despite mixed signals. Is he hallucinating things because his sister is scaring him into seeing things or is he really seeing a monster out there despite his mother telling him it's his mind playing tricks? Does he trust his own recollection of events but in doing so give in to his sister's scare tactics or does he doubt his own awareness only to appease his fright and retaliate against his sister? If you can build up this conflict that the boy is struggling with within himself, I believe it will add to the excitement and suspense of the story.
john3ch
john3ch 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
An older sister cries wolf to terrify her younger brother, but she quickly comes to realize that there may actually be something to be afraid of.
john3ch
john3ch 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!