The story structure was very solid and the pacing was good. I felt connected with he characters, which is impressive given the short length of the story. The dialogue was good, although it got a little choppy a couple of time and lagged, but overall it was engaging. The concept for the story was excellent. It wasn't the same old tired monster in the forest story. Given the setting, it was natural to think it would be well tread material, but the fact that the story had the ending twist made the story that much more pleasing. I wanted to read more which I think, in a general sense, is really what the point is. There were a few things that jumped out at me as holes in the plot and/or just seemed odd. The first one is a little thing, but when the mother denies the daughter a drink, she calls her mom "corny". That word is jarringly out of place. I think what the writer was trying for was something like "uptight" or "prudish". Second, I don't understand if, we are to believe that the brother saw the beast, how is in fact the beast. Was he possessed? I'm just not sure how he sees the beast, seems legit scared and then IS the beast. I think I can safely assume, based on the quality fo the writing, that the writer was attempting to communicate how that is possible, but I personally didn't get it. Third, there isn't any way the son would stay outside when his mom gives him the option of going inside with her. Just didn't make any sense. If, hypothetically he was stalling to be alone with his sister to eat her guts out, its not clear why that makes sense. The writer makes is clear that the boy is frightened. If the writer was attempting to get accross that the boy's fear was not genuine, I don't think hat was effectively communicated. The concept is excellent, the writing is really solid, the plot and pacing is good, and I think will some tying together, the script could be excellent.
Unfortunately I don't really have anything positive to say about this story. First, its not really a story. By that I mean there really isn't any plot or point. To begin with, there are obvious and basic grammatical errors throughout the script. The dialogue is choppy and completely directionless. I don't want to sound to harsh, but I literally didn't know what the writer was even attempting by way of plot until 20 pages in, which is waayyy too long. I should have had at least an idea of where the story was going long before half way through the story. The bottom line is that I still don't know what the point was. The character development is basically nonexistent. Any attempt to bring the characters and story together fail. The first action lines of the script read, "Seedy, hole-in-the-wall bar. Most of the people in the bar is wearing black leather vest with skull and the word Chron across the back and jeans." These two sentences are a terrible way of starting this script. To begin, "is" should be "are" and "vest" should be "vests" and "skull" should be "skulls". Thats just basic English. And the word Chron? I'm sorry I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. If your reader has no idea what you mean, the reader can't engage. The dialogue that follows is difficult to follow and it is definitely not engaging. Generally the dialogue is uninspired and just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think a reader is expecting to be taken on a journey with your characters, and be able to kinda see where things are headed. There is none of that in this story. What is the point of Leonard and Rebecca? I literally don't know what their purpose is. Again, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I am genuinely confused. My advice is to start with your log line and title. The current log line and title has little or nothing to do with the script. What motivates the characters? Maybe if Timothy found some sort of redemption while turning around the lives of the school kids...something. I'd say re-work the log line and title first.
The spirit of a murdered girl, angry at a Detective’s failure to bring her killer to justice, holds the man’s wife hostage in an attempt to force him to exact her revenge on the killer, while he must find a way to save his wife without losing his own soul.