I have to be honest up front and say that I think you have a fair bit of work of work to do here. One of the first things I would say is that I wasn’t entirely sure of the tone you were going for. It’s listed as a straight comedy, but when I read it through, it felt like more of a dark comedy drama. There are certain points where it comes off extremely dark, such as when Carl smashes up the furniture store, or considers suicide, but then there’s also moments of slapstick comedy (where Carl faceplants doing a knee slide). The shifts in tone can come off as quite jarring. I think the structure you’ve got in place works at the moment, starting to Carl in his present situation, then looping back to fill in the back story, before the climax with the lottery win, you’ve got a 3 act spine there, but I think the issue I had with it, is that I wanted to know what happens next! The premise of the script is that a homeless man wins the lottery, and I think there’s an interesting concept there, but because the script ends just as Carl wins the lottery, we don’t get to explore the premise of the show. How will the lottery win affect him? What will he do first? As a reader, that’s what interested me. When you break down the synopsis of your script in terms of the story you’ve got, I think you could easily condense it down into your first 10 pages say, and use the remaining 15 to explore what Carl does with his winning ticket. There’s two scenes of Carl having affairs with other women where his wife walks in, you only need one to get your point across. You could also save some space by culling the narrator, I don’t feel that they add a great deal at the moment, they just really reiterate information that the story already tells us. Carl himself I think needs a little work make into a strong character. He’s an obnoxious jerk, and that’s the intention, it’s not necessarily a problem, but I think as an audience we need a little more to latch onto, to want to watch more of him. We find out that he’s had everything, a wife, a good job, but he was a jerk, and he blew it. Now that he’s homeless, he’s still a crude jerk. And we get the hint at the end that now he’s won the lottery, he’s going to be a rich jerk. From a character point of view, it would be great to get more of a sense of internal struggle and conflict. Say for example, Carl being homeless had actually made him a better, more sympathetic, sensitive person. But winning the lottery starts him slipping back towards his old ways. How would those two sides to his personality battle each other? Just a final suggestion from me, is that the title ‘The Hobo’ could sell your concept more. How about something like, ‘The Hobo Millionaire’, or ‘The Richest Hobo’. Great work on completing your script and getting to a second draft. If you do a third and upload it on here I look forward to seeking it out. All the best.

I did not like this at all. It was WAY too over-the-top. I try not to let my religion interfere with my reviews, but being a Baptist, I almost had to stop reading it. I'm sure many horror fans would like it. A clown named Lubu befriends a homeless man, Sammy, as they walk to a child's birthday party. At first I was not intrigued becuase the story didn't really hit right in the middle for me. But the end really surpr ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:51 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_TIMED OUT

A clown named Lubu befriends a homeless man, Sammy, as they walk to a child's birthday party. At first I was not intrigued becuase the story didn't really hit right in the middle for me. But the end really surpr ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_RETRYING ERROR_ 404 _ LOSS _ OF _ TRANSMISSION _ 18:34 _ 22 _ 4 _ 2019_TIMED OUT