It reads like that one part in Pulp Fiction when Vincent opens the suitcase. It reads as though the McGuffin is more important than telling the audience a story. What is the goal? I understand what you are going for but it feels as though the ending needs to be stronger.
Check your formatting.
Leo tells us in a voice over and via dialogue that he’s been running for seven hours. That seems redundant. Why not extend some of the scene and actu...
Shake, Fry, Meatwad, and Carl travel, find themselves with some difficulties, and then restore good times. . . there is some conflict in baseball that gets resolved.
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