The Sacrifice short
#Drama #Horror
By
Liam
Treacy
A young girl must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to appease the one she loves.
Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #4
Winner Draft #2
Summary
2 Reviews |
4 pages |
4 years ago
|
Draft 6
The idea stemmed from watching this excellent short, https://vimeo.com/133284149, and it got me thinking about several other films that quite often start out as drama and then turn into a genre piece and I thought it would be interesting if there was something that started out as a genre piece but then turned into more of a straight-up drama.
The general premise is that a young girl got pregnant and has to abort it without her mother finding out because she is a controlling dance coach who wants her daughter to become a top dancer.
So, the idea is to at first present it as an all out horror. Get the audience to think that the young girl is aborting her unborn child as a sacrifice to some kind of demon. 'The Sacrifice' would appear on screen in a blood-red, horror font. There'll be typically suspenseful horror-esque score, the lighting and camera angles/movement will all reinforce the horror idea. One of my questions would be how much of this should I include in the scene description. I have some lighting description in there but am hesitant to add any camera movement (we creep along etc) incase it becomes overkill for the reader, and obviously the score is never described in the screenplay. Though I feel these would all be key elements in getting the viewer to buy into the horror aspect of the story.
The trophies and medals that are in the girls room are the equivalent of the crosses on the walls and the bottles of holy water in the fridge. I feel cause I'm essentially doing things the other way round, my choice to include the trophies early on when we're still in the horror part of the story perhaps sticks out too much, though I'm unsure of how to foreshadow this in any other way.,
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
The general premise is that a young girl got pregnant and has to abort it without her mother finding out because she is a controlling dance coach who wants her daughter to become a top dancer.
So, the idea is to at first present it as an all out horror. Get the audience to think that the young girl is aborting her unborn child as a sacrifice to some kind of demon. 'The Sacrifice' would appear on screen in a blood-red, horror font. There'll be typically suspenseful horror-esque score, the lighting and camera angles/movement will all reinforce the horror idea. One of my questions would be how much of this should I include in the scene description. I have some lighting description in there but am hesitant to add any camera movement (we creep along etc) incase it becomes overkill for the reader, and obviously the score is never described in the screenplay. Though I feel these would all be key elements in getting the viewer to buy into the horror aspect of the story.
The trophies and medals that are in the girls room are the equivalent of the crosses on the walls and the bottles of holy water in the fridge. I feel cause I'm essentially doing things the other way round, my choice to include the trophies early on when we're still in the horror part of the story perhaps sticks out too much, though I'm unsure of how to foreshadow this in any other way.,
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Industry Reviews
Abortion, especially that of a teenage girl, is an incredibly difficult subject to address respectfully. Attempting to tackle that in only 4 pages is bold. I don’t know what circumstances you wrote this short under, but I hope it was with great forethought and sympathy. I’m not necessarily saying that you should shy away from a tough subject matter like this. Film helps us understand and relate to challenging subjects. However, I urge you to cons...
Top Reviewer
Peer Reviews
Unfortunately, there aren't many places for a script this short. I had told another writer about an anthology film called The ABCs of Death, made up of 26 micro movies. This might fit into something like that. The early seventies horror anthology Night Gallery also featured vignettes of similar length between the longer stories.
Most of the backstory and relationship between the mother and daughter is left unexplained. This is very effective be...
Top Reviewer
Concept:
Looking at the concept, it is what it is. Sorry to be so vague, but there really isn't anything to hang your hat on here, it's just a scene of a young teenager performing a self-abortion. I guess the concept is that the mother knew which is there at the end but because that's not a fully formed idea it doesn't really contribute.
Story:
As with the concept, there really is anything here. What is written isn't a story but a specific...
Top Reviewer
Personally, the premise was pretty interesting for what could've been a television series or a feature length film. But the overall story didn't surprise me in any way or grab my attention in ways unexpected. The setup of the movie is unclear - it seems to take place after some kind of murder, but it's not clear. It also said in the premise a girl was going to make a sacrifice, but I didn't see any sacrifice in the screenplay. If this is only a t...
Top Reviewer
The concept of a teen girl doing a sacrifice for beloved one is good but this was not reflected in the script. I was able to understand the story only on seeing the synopsis. The scrip read like a young teen girl who is mentally unstable or due to some reason is trying to be sinister with her own body for pleasure and tries to hide it from her mother. Also the ending did not feel like an ending. It was very abrupt. The intent of the writer needs...
Top Reviewer
first of all, it's great to see a story about these girl issues. Very brave. the description are great enough to convey your intent to your readers. first 2 out of 4 pages that means the first half of the script is just action without even a single word. these two are also well written.
the title 'the sacrifice' is an apt title for this script. this sacrifice is not like losing a loved one or precious thing but it definitely is a great sacrific...
The concept of this script is quite interesting, the premise is somewhat unique and it's very unstated and subtle in it's execution. Nothing that shoves itself in your face too much, in fact it leaves you asking questions. It's such a short script and yet it somehow manages to build up a tense sense of suspense and intensity in just four short pages. The minimal dialogue enhances the experience as it makes you figure things out for yourself and w...
Top Reviewer
Right off the bat, the abortion scene made me question your knowledge of "hanger abortions". As a 13 year old, I question her ability to understand her own complex reproductive system. I would research a bit more on the accuracy of someone's ability to perform this to themselves without puncturing their internal organs and bleeding out on the spot or getting it stuck in their cervix. Other than that, I thought the concept was good...upsetting, bu...
Top Reviewer
rodrigo.m.cosme@gmail.com
First of all, I would like to remind the writer that I am no expert in either writing screenplays or reviewing them. This is simply my opinion and suggestions, therefore no professional observation on this work.
The story is pretty well written, and the writer shows a great and wide vocabulary which always comes in handy when writing pretty much any genre. There is obviously not much character development, but that...
I received this assignment again and tried to notice if much has changed, but I couldn’t identify anything. Not sure if I should had “opted out”, I’m still relatively new to this site.
I’m attaching my original review, as I think it still holds.
Reading over again, some more suggestions would be to add some dialogue as to which sport/activity they are talking about. The summary says dance, but my original read through didn’t help me come to...
Top Reviewer
A very wellcrafted tale. Graphic and somehow fitting. The age of the young girl and the action she takes seems hopeless, but also real in some ways. I could visualise it in my mind and it was disturbing.
The dialogue feels a bit rough in some ways. It feels to adult for a 13 year old and somehow lifeless. That might be the point of the creator, but as a reader it was hard to fully take it seriously.
Took some time to truly understand the even...
I want to start off by saying I am as “amateur” as it comes to screenplays.
Knowing this, just be aware that my comments only represent what I have self taught myself from videos and online.
I do feel it’s important for multiple eyes to look over ones work, that’s why I enjoy this website.
These are strictly my suggestions and observations, so definitely not set in stone.
1. The story definitely sets a mood off the bat. You feel every...
Top Reviewer
The whole script is written well. Most of the action is kept tight.
The reader can see just about everything that's going on.
I enhoyed reading it.
Yet there are two problems: 1) the author wrote she puts on pants. How can we see the blood trickling down her thigh later then? He should have written she puts on shorts. Or she just puts on panties. She's wearing a big T-shirt anyway.
2) The Ending...
I would have chosen to stop at a point wher...
Top Reviewer
When I first read the script's title, the first thing that I thought of was that this script was gonna take the overdone Satanic ritual route that horror usually takes. However, that's not the case here, which is a good thing. Here were my thoughts:
1. Concept - The concept of performing a sacrifice for a loved one or a special someone isn't a strong concept as a whole. However, I feel like you taking a different route was a good idea with the...
Top Reviewer
