Man on the Phone short
#Thriller #Mystery/Suspense
By
Rakin
Islam
A careless young man finds his life falling apart after encountering a mysterious hooded stranger.
Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #1
Summary
9 Reviews |
36 pages |
5 years ago
|
Draft 1
Jonathan Brooks is an irresponsible man whose life is slipping through his fingers. To makes matters worse, a mysterious stranger in a hood begins to follow him around town, always appearing to be talking on the phone. As Jonathan struggles to find his place in the world, the hooded stranger appears wherever he least expects it. He slowly begins to tear apart Jonathan’s life bit by bit, eventually forcing him to confront a deadly old secret.
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Peer Reviews
Really good. I enjoyed the read very much. The subject matter of dealing with self inflicted mental illness and how it consumes us, such as guilt, is very real and relevant, especially is in todays day and age, albeit not in such extraordinary circumstance such as this story but, for the sake of drama, I totally get it. The tone is set up from the start and the writer comes across as aware of the theme in place because there is a strong sense of...
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Concept
I thought the concept was terrific and really hooked me into the script. Immediately we see Jonathan, a guy not in a great place being stalked by phone calls and the Stranger. Jonathan is really rattled, and it drew me in, and kept me guessing all the way until the end. I really liked the way also that you’ve written some of the action so that there are surreal, dream-like moments, which may be real or not, but visually are really clear...
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First to the logline: There's just something missing. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but there's just something that doesn't sit well with me. I get the attraction of a "window into a life", but it just feels needs an injection of something. Perhaps if you raise the stakes in the logline. There ... it just needs a sprinkle of threat. I don't know, maybe it's there, it just needs a bit of polish applied in the wording.
That said, I feel...
THEME
The theme of crime and punishment and eye for an eye approach makes the story a little bit flat – Jonathan didn’t learn anything, fight or change, and we know Williams intentions from page 1.
CHARACTERS
Jonathan, as a character, is a little bit flat. He doesn`t show any signs of remorse even at the end. We don`t know what he actually wants. We only know what Williams wants, and it looks more that the whole story is his journey.
I was...
Top Reviewer
The description of Jonathan's life is very well done. It is a very familiar situation to some people. College dropout, unemployed, struggling to stay afloat. During these type of situations you can relate with the protagonist and what he's going through. Everything in his life is crumbling around him and it's just getting worse. When things are going bad you tend to forget about the problems around you. That’s happened to me before plenty of time...
First of all there are no grammatical or spelling errors and the format is correct. There are some tense scenes and I was hooked on the story and wanted to see how it would get wrapped up. The thing is it never does get wrapped up, Jonathan also has no character development and none of the conflicts are resolved. The only thing that happens is the reveal in the end but that is not enough to leave the viewer satisfied. Also I don’t know if you hav...
Top Reviewer
This is a short story that once you start reading, you can't stop. You have to reach the end. Good job at keeping the mystery going. I definitely got Stephen King vibes from it. I think you can definitely make this into a short film worth watching, but you can also go the short story route as well. People will enjoy it. As Zoidberg always says "Why not both?"
You also did something interesting that during this whole of mystery of "Who is the S...
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