This was a good read for a pilot episode and I'm interested to see where this could go. The only thing I'd really focus on would be making Daniel's friends stand out from each other earlier on in the pub scene as well as shortening the flashback scene with Daniel as a kid. Other than that, awesome job. Hopefully my feedback will help you with your future revisions. Good luck!
You definitely have a strong concept, and the overall story is enjoyable and has potential for a TV series. However, the story seems very one-dimensional right now. In order to create a successful pilot episode, what you need to do is identify what your script is truly about. IT's clear that on the surface, your script is about a guy who is down on his luck and decides to turn his life around after a series of mishaps. But what is the essence of...
Apart from the very small notes made I found this to be a great first episode and had a genuinely fun time reading it. I feel like perhaps the ending could have Daniel return or make mention of the dangerous substances out the back just to tie it up.
I hope you continue writing this as I would love to read more.
When John Hendricks is whisked away from his dull life in New York to another realm to fulfill an ancient prophecy, he begins to truly find himself as he begins delivering mail to the quirky people of Distantlandia at the behest of their drunken king.
Josh Stone wants to learn the car business from the best of the best, but he'll have to settle for the creeps, weirdos and sociopaths at Sunrise Used Cars... and teach him, they will.
The alcoholic First Son of the United States, searches for his dad’s love while trying to prove that the Secretary of State is disloyal but parties and pranks his dad too much to be taken seriously. The First Son seeks genuine loyalty while sticking to his true self in every obstacle imaginable.
Get up-to-date in industry knowledge, Scripts of the Month and more. By subscribing to our newsletter, you'll never miss the best stuff we have to offer.