beep. short

Very interesting. While I was not digging the first part of the story you did an excellent job drawing me in later and keeping my attention. Hopefully, we can work through that opening and get you writing some gold. First off, I was not engaged at all for the first eight pages. I didn't feel connected to any of the characters and no one really stood out from the crowd. I think much of this comes from the straight shooting dialogue you have given...