Extremely Close Yet Awfully Far short
#Drama
By
eliah
miller
A coming-of-age where Isaiah is caught between leaving with girlfriend Jade and embarking on an uncertain future or leaving Jade behind and any chances of a life together.
Awards
Approved
Nominee Draft #1
Summary
2 Reviews |
6 pages |
1 year ago
|
Draft 1
Hi everyone! I want to note this is a ROUGH first draft. But I am looking for someone to give me an honest opinion and thoughts on the ending. I am working with someone who is suggesting that the main character's desire seems to want to break up with his girlfriend, and the ending leaves him unlikeable and unclear. I disagree. I think it's visible that he does not want to break up with her out of dislike or disdain but out of fear, and I see his efforts as redeemable, even if the ending is sad.
I am seeking another writer's opinion. I would appreciate it deeply.
NOTE: again, this is a rough first draft to simply get it on "paper," although the ending is the most crucial feedback I am looking for. I am also looking for anything else you may want to suggest or any other feedback you wish to add.
I am seeking another writer's opinion. I would appreciate it deeply.
NOTE: again, this is a rough first draft to simply get it on "paper," although the ending is the most crucial feedback I am looking for. I am also looking for anything else you may want to suggest or any other feedback you wish to add.
Industry Reviews
No Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
Jade was an excellent leading character, and I understood her wants and needs clearly. Zay was a bit harder to read, and I think to make him feel more realistic and his choices feel justified, you need to either show a softer side to him or give the audience more backstory on their relationship. For a rough draft, it's well formatted and very easy to read. It leaves me wanting more! Did Zay really leave her? Is he coming back? It's juicy!
Top Reviewer
The story drives on the idea of a deliberate emotional separation by one of the characters that will lead to a poignant ending. However, I believe that the dialogs do not do a proper justice that would lift the story up in terms of a heart-wrenching conclusion. Nonetheless, the intention behind this script is novel as it attempts to deliver a touching story about two people parting ways in just six pages. But, somewhere, it lacks the emotional qu...
Top Reviewer
