Format issues first: when you introduce each alter ego, describe what she looks like so that the reader has a visual to latch onto. Obviously they both are her, but give them each an identifying characteristic (different hair color, costume, whatever).

You might want to consider not calling them GOOD and BAD. Let the audience figure that out for themselves. Maybe DARK and LIGHT. Or BLONDE and BRUNETTE. That way, you can play against expectati...

1 year ago | read more...

I'd say the biggest strength of Mumbling Sin is the actions lines and the dialogue. The dialogue is tight and sharp, and the action lines are also succinct and fit the tone of the story. The script is compact and easy to follow and written with clarity. It shows drama potential.

For the weaknesses, I'd say the story doesn't feel like a progressive journey toward a resolution, but more like a succession of events, and then it ends.

And the m...

1 year ago | read more...

Here were my thoughts on your script:

1. Concept - The idea of a teen dealing with temptation and is talking to their inner selves is a good one, considering how serious of a topic it can be, so kudos to you there.

2. Story - While the concept is good, I feel like the story wasn't written to its full potential. What I mean is, aside from what the temptation was, nothing really stood out or added much. It essentially felt like filler to make...

1 year ago | read more...