Awards
Approved
Nominee Draft #1
Summary
0 Reviews |
96 pages |
6 years ago
|
Draft 2
Austin and Chris are a young black couple who’s moving to Los Angeles to escape from their problems in the south. During their drive to LA they shack up and a measly hotel when they encounter townspeople who are out to get them for higher reasons.
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first page
We reveal
ugh -- description only
6-time thing -- funny --- never heard that one
ok - im getting ur more novelistic than i --- crisp clean scene description - what how u want a scene to go -- SHOW ME - scene descrip some but dialog that has subtext - in ur face even bar chat mini-drama (i never said this is easy... bane - also what makes it int'g)
lone slug bottom pg5
lots of -ing
pg6-7 - abandoned dialog
EXT...
The concept is a bit blurry at first, I know that it's a story couple but you teased a fantastic story at first and it's actually turning around racism.
The logline is actually a bit misleading like I said earlier you teased a fantastic story by saying it's an alternate reality then you talk about wanderer but we actually don't see any. There is just Austin who's talking vaguely about them but there is no follow up.
The first ten pages didn't...
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