Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #4
Summary
2 Reviews |
15 pages |
5 years ago
|
Draft 5
Damien is a prep school, living free and easy, leading man. One night after having a few too many drinks at a bar and getting into an argument with his significant other, he starts wandering the city. Damien is jumped and wakes in a haze. To his bewilderment he is chained to a wall in a dark and dirty cell. There are unconscious bodies on the floor and several others chained up as well. Damien begins freaking out and screaming for answers until Jack Kelly, a fellow prisoner has had enough and begins to tell Damien of their unfortunate fate. Jack explains that through no fault of their own, they have become part of an underground death match which the twisted upper society gambles on. And the only way out is to win. Damien clearly is not cut out for this and stays in denial until he finds himself in a fight to the death with the one person who might have helped him.
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Peer Reviews
You had a very interesting premise of a story, but you missed an opportunity to carry it through. I struggled through your script's spelling, grammar, punctuation, and formatting errors. In fact, I had to export and fix the most blatant errors before I could proceed. Once I did that, the story arc emerged; however, I struggled to follow the Main Character's Arc -- Damien's change or redemption or confession -- which left me wanting and unfulfille...
Top Reviewer
I really enjoyed reading this short and feel it has potential. The writing was eloquent and the scenes were described where I could visualize them in my mind. The characters, for the most part, were developed well, but as the main character, Damien felt forced. Pages 2 and 3 especially seemed out of sync. If the main character had to make a choice between Tiffany and Alex, and instead of facing up to making a decision, he wanders off then get...
Well done David, I really enjoyed "The Waiting Room", it was a fresh, interesting screenplay. The scene descriptions were really written well - they were evocative and succinct. Also that character descriptions are sweet and short. There are just some things to note however. The first thing is that your Scene Headings are mostly not written correctly. So you have to fix most of your Scene Headings. For Example on page three 'Int: RAIL CAR' should...
Top Reviewer
With the concept of a dystopian gladiator arena run by a blood thirsty ambitious man that Kidnaps people to use them as fighter that co-exists with the normal world, "The Waiting room" script is strong, refreshing and promising as it tends to draw in the reader, but by the end we just don't care enough.We hooked as soon as the main character is kidnapped and releases his predicament of survival of the fittest. The center of the story is establish...
Not my kind of story but I would like to clarify that since I am just starting in this field, so please try to forgive my ignorance. The story seems good but honestly it is kind of common now a days. The description is excellent and the dialogues are good too but the story does not feel unique. I like the different shades of characters in the movie, all real especially the prison inmates. The reality of this situation is portrayed quiet skillfull...
Before I begin, this writer has great potential. Very descriptive scenes and a good handle on story structure made this an easy read. That being said, here are some of the things that could be improved upon.
1. Opening scene. The interchange between Damien and Alex doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. Aside from giving further fuel for Tiffany to dump Damien, and providing a way for Damien to become intoxicated (making it easier...
Top Reviewer
