Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #2
Winner Draft #1
Summary
4 Reviews |
15 pages |
5 years ago
|
Draft 3
Bruce is a washed-up boxing trainer who happens upon some children beating an inflatable "bop clown", and sees "his" potential as a boxing contender.
The comedy comes is in the surreal relationship between this silent, inanimate object and the people around it who treat it like any other person. Most scenes are written to be extremely serious, but are hilarious when the inanimate protagonist is taken into account.
There is a strong focus on building the relationship between the bop clown, and his trainer and fitting the arc of their friendship into a 15 page script.
After their meteoric rise through the local boxing circuit, a decision must be made between loyalty to your ideals, and protecting those you care about.
The comedy comes is in the surreal relationship between this silent, inanimate object and the people around it who treat it like any other person. Most scenes are written to be extremely serious, but are hilarious when the inanimate protagonist is taken into account.
There is a strong focus on building the relationship between the bop clown, and his trainer and fitting the arc of their friendship into a 15 page script.
After their meteoric rise through the local boxing circuit, a decision must be made between loyalty to your ideals, and protecting those you care about.
Industry Reviews
No Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
First of all this was not my cup of tea, however there were spots that I enjoyed.
First thing first. Fix your basic mistakes. Nothing is more distracting than the simple errors. It pulls your reader out of the story.
Page 1- steps up "and" delivers
page 4- match once "a" month
page 4- Bruce "corrects'
page 10- "loses from ground"- I think you mean "some" but I'm not positive.
Those were the mistakes that jumped out at me. Beyond those...
Top Reviewer
The concept of this screenplay is creative and original. The juxtaposition of an inflatable bop clown into the role of the discovered up-and-comer makes for a nice comedy. A universe where there is nothing unusual about an inflatable toy standing in the ring with a human boxer opens up a wide array of possibilities. It was an easy read and kept me "turning the pages". The first few pages set up the situation well and were engaging. The script beg...
Top Reviewer
This isn't exactly my type of screenplay, but personal feelings aside, there are several things about this script that probably would not work.
First off, the concept of a "main" character being a bop clown is hard to swallow. They don't speak, they have nothing that connects the audience to them emotionally, and they don't show any kind of character arc (overcoming some kind of inner weakness or developing into a better person after accomp...
Top Reviewer
First of all, I would like to remind the writer that I am no expert in either writing screenplays or reviewing them. This is simply my opinion and suggestions, therefore no professional observation on this work.
In general, I didn't like the story idea at all. Just doesn't fit with what I usually like. Also, not much of the script made sense. I must admit, I only read the first half of it because I wasn't concentrating on the story, but was al...
this script is ridiculous, in the best possible way. I'm sure this is supposed to be a spoof of something like Creed, but it feels a lot like Logan, at least the two lead characters do. the dialogue is crisp and real, the visual comedy is hilarious and easily imaginable. the final pages, from Bop getting shot to the end, are absolutely amazing, and heartfelt and emotional and tragic. if I absolutely have to nitpick, this script is going for spoof...
Concept is good but could be made better.
The script certainly started well. It hooked me but as it progresses, its shortcomings creeps in and that is just the shortcomings of the writer.
The dialogue is good but could be better.
The action/description is nice but could be made better.
The protagonists are interesting. Bruce and Bop clown are outstanding but a few things are out of place in them.
It's a comedy script, I get it. It's somethin...
Top Reviewer
The material was well-written and the format looked good to me. I felt that the dialogue was solid. Much of it was catchy though some of it seemed a little too expositional. However with a short you have to get that information in there somehow and don’t have a lot of time to do it in. The story flowed well and was easy to follow. All the images were clear and concise. I could see the scenes unfold. There were a few typos: "This might wo...
First, the structure of the story is on point. There is a clear three-act structure, several challenges Bruce, the protagonist, must overcome, and even a twist at the end. The pace is steady and it never bores the reader. The ending image mirrors the opening image and leaves the reader feeling warm.
Bruce's character is developed nicely, most of it during one-sided conversations with BOP, a Bop clown, his protégé. The reader is given a glimpse...
Top Reviewer
This is a pretty decent story which is very well written, not just in the sense that it reads well and fluidly, but also that it reads very visually; which is what is to be expected from a screenplay. It is nice to be able to interpret a screenplay off the page instead of, as often is from aspiring writers, only getting an impression of what is going on. So, again, it's pleasing to read a script, like Bop, and get what's going on off the page....
Top Reviewer
The material was well-written and the format looked good to me. I felt that the dialogue was solid. Much of it was catchy though some of it seemed a little too expositional. However with a short you have to get that information in there somehow and don’t have a lot of time to do it in. The story flowed well and was easy to follow. All the images were clear and concise. I could see the scenes unfold. There were a few typos: "This might work on a b...
I think this is hysterical - I'm a big fan of this kind of absurdist comedy - it has a real feel of 'That Mitchell & Webb Look' about it. I can't tell you how ready I was to read this film when I saw your synopsis and logline.
I think this is a really competently crafted piece and you are clearly a very talented writer, however in terms of a short film I think this is lacking slightly with structure as it skips over the first Act where we'd g...
Top Reviewer
Grammar/Syntax
I would recommend copy and pasting the entire screenplay into Grammarly. If you're not familiar with the program, it's free for the basic use which is very useful and helps identify several mistakes.
They aren't major, and should only take you a few minutes. This will greatly increase the readability of your script.
Try to avoid words that end with "ing" when you write your action sequences. This helps move the action along qu...
Top Reviewer
