Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" television
#Comedy #Romance #Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy.
Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #7
Winner Draft #5
Summary
7 Reviews |
25 pages |
4 years ago
|
Draft 7
This story follows Rosh, a sophomore in high school, as his friend Sal tries to convince him to come to their high school's homecoming. As Sal tries to convince Rosh, they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy. This leads them to realize how much their life was different from the their original plans and hopes.
Industry Reviews
You won my attention from the very first page based upon Rosh’s immediately upbeat and lovable personality. I knew exactly who this teenager was based upon your description… and better yet, I loved him!
From there, however, your action description quickly became overbearing. Following the old scriptwriting adage, you have “too much black on the page”. Keep your descriptions short and sweet. What are the most important details to tell your rea...
Top Reviewer
Peer Reviews
Page 1: This first scene does a satisfactory job of introducing our main character if in a clichéd way. Also, it reads awkwardly to hear two people who know each other’s names in casual conversation. I’m sure you’re doing for the sake of the audience but it’s unnatural. Those first few paragraphs of action could probably be condensed.
Page 4: The mention of homecoming introduces the first bit of plot intrigue.
*Page 5: so five pages in I ca...
Top Reviewer
The chemistry between your two very endearing characters, Rosh and Sal, really carries this. The tone of the story is sweet and innocent. But I feel like more needs to happen, especially since the dilemmas they run into are pretty mundane. I'd also amp up the conflict just a little more. For instance, when Sal struggles to ask Lira out, something more embarrassing needs to happen to capture the attention of the whole cafeteria. In that situation,...
Top Reviewer
I would strongly suggest the writer look at a few existing classic screenplays, (i.e. Script Slug.) for appropriate scene information set ups. Opening scene has heroic music. Why get louder? The quick music stop and fall is the gag. The opening dialog does seem realistic or natural for two teenage friends who know each other well.
Action needs to be succinct without full explanation of why: i.e. A questions is asked by Sal.
We know Sal alread...
Top Reviewer
The script is well structured and has a nice flow to it, you can follow very easily. I like the idea of the flashbacks as they sit on the bench and eat it is a nice touch.
However I feel the story itself isn't that strong, its very bland and just goes along. Its also very short. The thing I want to hear about is this incident, why Rosh cant go to homecoming, but i don't get to hear about it. I get a little build up, but i don't get a pay off....
Top Reviewer
Here are my thoughts on this episode:
1. Concept - The concept is decent, but it's needs some fresh ideas added to it or have it be expanded upon to make it stronger.
2. Story - The story, while being a simple one, is too predictable for me. Almost everything that happened I could tell was gonna happen, which could be because of the build ups.
3. Structure - The flashbacks need to be reworded and formatted properly and not written as jus...
Top Reviewer
The story itself is okay, not great, but okay. It definitely seems like a good start to a potentially interesting series, although it does need a lot of work.
My first criticism has to be the characters, who seem a little inconsistent, and sometimes boring at times. Rosh is portrayed as somewhat dorky and clumsy, sarcastic yet friendly, but his friend Sal seems to act the same way as well. The characters seem interesting, but they don't really...
Top Reviewer
This script caught my attention but didn't hold it for long. I think the concept was really good but the actual script dragged on and it was kind of boring. The dialogue wasn't very realistic either and dit felt very forced. If the dialogue was changed a little bit and the story arc was fixed then this would be a pretty good script. There isn't really a plot. I think that Rosh and Sal were a little stereotypical, but it does kind of make sense in...
The writer attempts to do too many things in this relatively short script. He tries to establish a connection between Rosh and Sal. Although he may be getting to display some unkind adolescent behavior relationship between each other, Rosh may have wanted to decided to move on a long time ago.
There is parts of the script that are unnecessary in trying to develop the characters' behaviors and relationship: i.e. cinematic editing comments. Th...
Top Reviewer
It is a nice story about friendship. Both Rosh and Sal are likeable. As teenage boys their goals are clear from the start: get a date.
Rosh is confident and Sal is nervous. It's a nice dynamic that causes conflicts.
However the story is told in flashbacks and already hints they failed. So what is their goal? Get another date? I think it's not clear or exiting enough. The episode ends without telling the outcome of the flashback. I think th...
There just didn't seem to be enough conflict to really care about the story. There were no stakes really. We're kinda just walking through this situation, which is kinda boring, via flashback. There are some plot turns in the narrative -- the Snapchat post being a prank, which makes us suspect it might be Melanie because she's now dating Rosh. But I thought Anna broke up with Rosh for really no reason. Seemed like it was out of nowhere. Didn't se...
Top Reviewer
For the first draft of a twenty four page script, I found it purely okay, I found the main characters, Rosh, Sal and Anna rather unlikeable and unoriginal middle class high school stereotypes, their dialogue was really generic and their personalities rather one dimensional. You should describe the mood and scenery lots more in your second draft. However, on the plus side, I do think the story itself has potential. Your first step should be fleshi...
Top Reviewer
