Awards
Approved
Nominee Draft #3
Nominee Draft #1
Summary
2 Reviews |
11 pages |
6 years ago
|
Draft 3
A touching short about a father and daughter relationship that only gets a chance to blossom towards the end of the father's life.
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Peer Reviews
This is a warm story about forgiveness. I enjoyed the use of flashbacks and with some good direction, it could be done creatively to enhance the cinematic experience.
The characters seem genuine. Particularly Lily who is understandably “not about” seeing her bio-dad. My issues come with Tim as he feels very flat. His reasoning for not being in her life comes off as one giant excuse. I don’t know how she isn’t able to see this Sorry I was an a...
Top Reviewer
Concept is good. Dialogue is good. Pacing is good but could be better. The story certainly drew me in from the beginning. Our character is interesting. Then the flashback scenes are good but could be better. Especially the way they were written not the content. The climax was a little disappointing to me because I think Lily forgave so fast.
In all, the script does read well.
Great job Benny.
Top Reviewer
My loglines suck. Always have, always will. I’ve never come up with a decent one for my own scripts. So, coming up with one for someone else, is pretty damn impossible. So, ignore my logline.
This is better in the fact that you added some exposition (on-the-nose) dialogue to explain his pitfalls, and some of the questions that I posed in my last review. But, it still contains the same problem. Everything is still explained in dialogue and not...
(NOTE: I'm using the ScriptMother guidelines here to organize the review. I believe a few adjustments should be made in discussing a short script, but the principles of good storytelling are in general the same.)
CONCEPT
"Lily" focuses on a universally appealing human moment. The story stays anchored to the concept without any extraneous details.
LOGLINE / FIRST 10%
Your logline presents the basic set-up, but I don't believe that it's as...
This was nice. It just needs to be thought out much more. For a first draft, this has all the basics. But, now it's time to get down into the charcters, and this version has two major problems -
1) All the dialogue is on-the-nose.
2) The reasoning behind Roland not being in Lily’s life is very thin, and completely unconvincing.
Also, when she's talking to Tim on the phone he's (OS) or (OC) not (VO). He is interacting with her. But, that...
A gripping drama about a girl who resents her real father for abandoning her, but then when she realizes why and that he had been anonymously in touch with her over the years, she forgives him.
I’m thinking that structure works, except the ending and Lily’s reversal of emotions came too fast. She should struggle a bit more and feel a terrible loss (that she had hated him for no reason or for not a very good reason). Maybe a few more lines of...
On the issue of concept, it is not strong enough.
Quite true, the beginning got me to sit but as it progresses, disappointment creeps in.
About the scenes, they are well written with a clear sense of purpose.
And the protagonist is an intriguing character. Finding out about her past made her all the more interesting. Honestly I do feel for her but more could be done to feel more.
The dialogue is good and much of it drives the story.
Th...
Top Reviewer
