Wanna See

Brother Margaret

By Caleb Williams

On the night of a blood moon, an undead monk comes to a shopping mall to revenge himself upon his vampiric kin.

Draft #3
Peer Rating: 60%
Industry Rating: 60%
Draft 3: 60%
Draft 2: 40%
Draft 1: 55%
2 Reviews | 98 pages | 1 year ago | Draft 3


BROTHER MARGARET is a man on mission. As he prays in the mall bathroom, his brother, ZEALOUS, shows up. It's a reunion 300 years in the making. They catch up on old times, and Margaret learns that his whole family is here to celebrate FATHER. Margaret and Zealous fight and through guile and grit Margaret prevails.

Margaret flees to let his wounds heal, but his brother SHREWD sees him escaping and sicks his thralls on him. Margaret hides and finds CATHERINE, a pregnant woman, also hiding. He reassures her and escorts her to her car but the doors close before they can escape. The feast has begun.

Margaret and Catherine hurry to the parking garage where they find RILEY and DANIEL, two teens who just showed up for an awesome party. Margaret tells them they are to be blood sacrifices to resurrect his father. Margaret arms them with weapons and religious articles.

They fight a horde of thralls in the food court and rescue the TAYLOR FAMILY, while Margaret apprehends Shrewd. After torturing information out of him, Margaret and Shrewd have a heart-to-heart, and Riley and Daniel learn more about Margaret than they ever wanted to know. Margaret executes Shrewd.

Margaret relocates the survivors to the camping goods store, when the lights go out. His sister, LUSCIOUS informs him over the PA system that their older brother VICIOUS is awaiting him on the 40th floor. Margaret goes after his brother, but not before Catherine gives him a word of prophecy. 'There will be suffering'.

Margaret finds Vicious and they talk about the past. Meanwhile, Luscious and her thrall stalk the survivors in the camping goods store. They chase them through the mall to the breezeway. Vicious and Margaret finally come to blows, but Vicious is too cunning, besting Margaret physically and mentally. At last he incapacitates him.

Margaret awakes in darkness afflicted by memories from his pass. He breaks down with sorrow and surrenders to his vampiric gift. Voices get nearer. He sees the light and lunges for it in a frenzy. When he comes to his senses he sees that he's done a horrible thing.

Margaret and the others return the way they came and prepare for a final assault on his brethren on the rooftop. They raid the mall for supplies and Margaret shares a fable with Riley.

They ascend to the rooftop where Vicious, Luscious and their thralls are waiting. An epic battle ensues and Father is revived. But he is not the way Margaret remembers him. Vicious and Luscious are content. They except death. But Margaret can't except them dying. Nevertheless, they do.

As the blood moon passes, Margaret sends the Taylor Family off with words of wisdom. As he and Catherine drive off, Riley asks what he has to do to be like Margaret. Margaret tells him to get in the van.

Industry Reviews

Well-written dialogue and quick-paced action persist throughout the entirety of this script which revolves around mayhem, fueled by a protagonist who is filled with conviction and vengeance. The story is also filled with light comic relief and the writer manages to weave it into the violent action scenes in a very appropriate way. The characters are diverse, and have their own backstory, which gives us more than just the protagonist to care about...

1 year ago |
Script Mother Top Reviewer

Peer Reviews

I love all things vampire and I know I am not alone. That said, it’s going to be an uphill climb to stand out with this simply because this ground has been trodden so thoroughly. Blade, Underworld, Buffy, Priest, Lost Boys. The list goes on and on. Of course, this is also proof of of the genre’s popularity and staying power.

I love the vampire character names. “Thrall” as the designation of their species is also cool, but it’s overused in the...

1 year ago |
Matt Gorman Top Reviewer
A good story with lots of energy and interesting characters, this horror thriller has immense potential and would really take off with a rewrite. My main issue with it is the overloading of story and exposition in the first act, which results in a bit of a numbing effect with subsequent developments. Many of the characters have a tendency to downplay the action, which is fine in small doses or if it comes from one or two characters, but in genera...

1 year ago |
This needs a lot of work and review, but there are morsels that are interesting. As it stands, however, the script is confusing to the reader and unclear. Going back over it with a fresh eye will help you to fix these problems and create a more polished product that works.

The concept is fine. Vampire monks that have been alive for hundreds of years. It is nice that they are family and have a history together. That history needs to be better e...

1 year ago |
Peter Minnig Top Reviewer
I will start off saying that I love the title. I love the gender play on words. The main character was also well done and very likable. Specifically, when he immediately shows care and compassion for the patrons of the mall. He establishes himself as a hero right away and we root for him, and want to know more about him.

Some of the character names didn't work for me (i.e Lucious, Vicious etc). Adjectives as names isn't my favorite, but to eac...

1 year ago |
Megan Lamborn Top Reviewer
The story itself seems pretty decent, although nothing really that surprising from a horror flick. The premise overall though, is really interesting utilizing an undead monk as the main antagonist of the story, seeming to bring in a religious motivation that could be potentially terrifying to the audience. I really like how you handled the character of Brother Margaret, as he has the most interesting personality out of all of the characters. He i...

1 year ago |
Advait Dantuluri Top Reviewer
I will start with a concept. I haven't seen a lot of Vampire or undead monk movies. All I can reflect on is "Transilvania," "Twilight," and other parts connected with "Twilight." Must say, I am not the biggest fan of vampire movies, but this one was something different. I could say it was variety in my eyes. Maybe it is, or perhaps it is not a completely original story, though it was interesting to read-a cocktail mix.
Now about the first ten pa...

2 years ago |
Artūrs Kozels Top Reviewer
Overall, it’s really not a BAD story. It just needs a bit of work. I also am going to preface this by saying I am a DRAMA screenwriter and director, so this may be biased towards the action genre.

Firstly, I think you need to really sit down and figure out your THEME. Your characters are good, they’re not necessarily lacking anything as such, but there needs to be something that drives them forward other than just character actions. Your chara...

2 years ago |
Lily Drummond Top Reviewer
Here were my thoughts on this script:

Concept - The concept isn't anything too original or fresh, however, I did like the fact that it takes place in a mall since it's probably the last place you'd expect to see vampires fighting.

Story - I overall liked the story about Brother Margaret seeking vengeance against Zealous and the others after being turned against. There are several vampire stories that either revolve around lust for humans or...

2 years ago |
Cyle Brooks Top Reviewer
First, this is an interesting concept. A vampire family reunion who were all in a holy religious sect. The formatting of the script is well done. The dialogue was brief, did not go too far into expository, and kept the flow of the plot going. I did not see any spelling nor grammar errors.

In the first 15 pages, all I garnered was that Margaret has returned after a centuries long absence to kill his family. They are all vampires. The reasoning...

2 years ago |

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