The Bench (working title suggestions welcome)
short
Two Highschool students grapple with the losses they face following an immense tragedy.
Approved
Winner
Draft #1
Draft #1
2 Reviews |
5 pages |
3 years ago
|
Draft 1
Summary
following a school shooting in a small town, two students ponder the events that led them to the place where they are now. what they have lost, and what they have gained. This is a first draft that I am moderately sure is complete trash, I am just ready for a second opinion so I know where to focus my efforts as a I iron out the plot and dialogue, it should be a fairly simple read, especially if you've had a bad day and need something to bash on, constructively of course. Thanks and all the best.
Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
Concept is good. The first page of the script is not so good. It made me want to drop it.
The action lines are good but could be better.
The dialogue... Well, no one wants to read a giant wall of text. Keep it short most of the time. If it has to be long, make it 5 lines. 7 max.
The protagonist seems interesting but you didn't show how interesting he is. Think up more ways to do that.
The climax is not good.
The action lines are good but could be better.
The dialogue... Well, no one wants to read a giant wall of text. Keep it short most of the time. If it has to be long, make it 5 lines. 7 max.
The protagonist seems interesting but you didn't show how interesting he is. Think up more ways to do that.
The climax is not good.
1 year ago
|
read more...
Chukwuma Amobi
Top Reviewer
Caleb, overall this script isn't a bad effort. The concept you have here is a powerful one that has its roots in current and very important issues - it could work very well given the right script and create a truly moving film. However, at the minute your script is lacking the quality needed to put it on screen effectively.
The most important thing to remember when writing your script is to only write what we can see. Don't describe the inter...
The most important thing to remember when writing your script is to only write what we can see. Don't describe the inter...
1 year ago
|
read more...
Euan Mitchell
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