Well, to start off you did a good job considering the limitations of only being able to use three pages. A couple of things formatting-wise, when you're introducing a character their names have to be in all caps. The way you used parentheticals is okay but it's not really necessary. It can be used as an action line if you really need to have that in the story. For the most part, parentheticals are only needed when there's a group of people and t...