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The Hobo (Draft 2)

television
By Michael White
Comedy

A homeless jerk wins the lottery.

Approved
Winner
Draft #2
Winner
Draft #1
Peer Rating: 28%
Industry Rating: N/A
Draft 2: 28%
Draft 1: 43%
8 Reviews | 25 pages | 2 years ago | Draft 2

Summary

Meet Carl. He's a middle aged man who's a master at being an obnoxious jerk and hurting everyone who has made the mistake of knowing him. After a multitude of horriby ill advised mistakes costs him everything, he finds himself homeless for 8 years. Thats until one random drunken evening he luckily wins a 400 million dollar lottery ticket. So, now that Carl is back on his feet, how will he make use of his new found wealth? Who knows, maybe being homeless made him a better person....or maybe not.

Industry Reviews

Peer Reviews

So I have read this script before but I must confess, a lot has changed. It is definitely better now.
Scenes are better written now. The way the flash back sequence goes now is definitely better. Our protagonist is definitely compelling. He drives the story. Dialogue is good but could be better. Conflict is real enough. Pacing is good but could be better. The climax is good. And the stage directions are gone. That's a good start. The script read...

9 months ago | read more...
Chukwuma Amobi Top Reviewer
Your script has a really good concept. However, the story likes dimensional depth. Usually, when you write a script you need to have more than one plot. Most scripts have an A, B, C storyline, for example, Atlanta is a show about an up and coming local rapper name Paper Boi. He is new to fame and still has a street life. The main storyline is usually something about Earn's life (i.e baby mother or daughter). The B storyline would be something ab...

9 months ago | read more...
HI. I quite like the original idea but there is a lot of work to go into this. Firstly I didn't find it funny. I didn't laugh. I know humour and what is funny is subjective but the fact that he insults everyone and is foul mouthed becomes a little stale after the first 10 pages. There was nothing to make me want him to succeed. If he was charming in a drunk Hank from Californication kinda way that would work.
Also, plot wise there isn't much be...

9 months ago | read more...
I think the concept is good and it really gets you thinking, but I don’t think Carl is likeable enough. Even if he gets nice at the end (script not finished at the point of reading) he is not a character i want to follow over a whole Episode or even whole Seasons. Let’s say you don’t want him to be nice because in your logline you explicitly wrote "Jerk". That’s totally fine but I think he needs some Character trait that makes him likeable or get...

9 months ago | read more...
HollandMarch Top Reviewer
There are some structural things that need to be addressed to improve this script. Hopefully, I can address them clearly.

The concept is not very thrilling or compelling. Okay, some jack ass wins millions. I don't really care what happens after that. Maybe adding something in there to give your logline and concept a boost might work wonders.

Carl seems to wander around aimlessly causing trouble wherever he goes. There's no purpose in his m...

9 months ago | read more...
I have to be honest up front and say that I think you have a fair bit of work of work to do here. One of the first things I would say is that I wasn’t entirely sure of the tone you were going for. It’s listed as a straight comedy, but when I read it through, it felt like more of a dark comedy drama. There are certain points where it comes off extremely dark, such as when Carl smashes up the furniture store, or considers suicide, but then there’s...

9 months ago | read more...
Richard Stirland Top Reviewer
While there are some solid comedic beats in the script that show the writer has promise, they're too few and far between for a half hour television pilot.

It's also very unclear what the premise is that's going to fuel the comedy in this show. The script establishes that Carl is and was a jerk. Is he going to use his winnings to torment people? Spend it all trying to get his wife back through extremely elaborate means? Start a whole new...

9 months ago | read more...
Michael Harris Top Reviewer
There are some structural things that need to be addressed to improve this script. Hopefully, I can address them clearly.

There are no major events or obstacles that Carl hasn't put there himself. We don't know what made Carl the way he is. Maybe that will come out in later episodes, but a little hint to make him likable or at least relatable would help. We don't even know Carl's wants or needs or what inner conflict or outer motivation he has...

9 months ago | read more...
Okay...
The first 3 pages wasn't a page turner but it wasn't bad at the same time. It made me want to finish the story.
The scenes are not well written. For starters, this is a spec script and there were stage directions in it. It's not suppose to the there. Please eliminate all stage directions. Just write the story. Let's see the beauty.
Absolutely compelling. Your protagonist is a very interesting character. I love the way he talks but t...

9 months ago | read more...
Chukwuma Amobi Top Reviewer
Mister White has created a likable flawed character that can have the lay public wanting more.

9 months ago | read more...

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