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2econd Chance

short
By dragonspirit
Comedy

What would you do with a second chance?

Approved
Winner
Draft #1
Peer Rating: 45%
Industry Rating: N/A
7 Reviews | 6 pages | 2 years ago | Draft 1

Summary

Elvira Deuntjes is a singer who is trying to make ends meet. She is going for an audition to sing the Christmas songs for a company but completely messes up the audition.

The 2econd Chance store, however, offers the opportunity, to fix your mistakes by going back in time. Will Elvira be able to fix her mistake?

Industry Reviews

Peer Reviews

I'm not sure if I consider this a comedy or more of a Twilight Zone'esq horror.

There were TONS of structural missteps, typos and confusing dialogue throughout. Every time you used "we see" or "we hear" it reminded me I was reading a script, which isn't the idea.

None of the characters are introduced, so it feels random when, boom, a new person begins to speak. The dialogue at times didn't match the action going on, which caused confusion...

10 months ago | read more...
I really enjoyed this short. I thought the set up was great because I kept trying to guess what was going on. Not knowing forced me to keep reading. However, the punchline was very predictable because of the telling facial expressions of Rudolph. I believe, if you remove those small details the punchline would be less predictable, therefor, more affective and appreciated. All and all, very good short.

Bravo!

10 months ago | read more...
Michael White Top Reviewer
This script was fun to read with an original concept for time travel that's both bizarre and humorous.

Elvira's motivation is to get a job. That is motivating but there could be a stronger reason as to why she's so desperate to get a job, which will help raise the stakes and make getting the job even more important.

The idea that a customer's memory is wiped clean between the moments of time travel is clever and it adds a good twist to th...

10 months ago | read more...
Timothy Boissey Top Reviewer
This is a clear and excellent concept.

We all love the idea of being given a second chance in life - but a second chance doesn't necessarily alter our chances of success.

This very short script takes that abstract idea and presents it with humour and heart.

There's no deviation from this central idea... and as a result, the most critical thing I can say here is that there isn't so much depth or development to comment on. The two main cha...

10 months ago | read more...
Richard Neville Top Reviewer
While the premise of the story is strong, reminiscent of an episode of The Twilight Zone, the lack of significant character background ultimately holds it back. We don't learn enough about our main character, Elvira Deuntjes, to really connect with her in a significant or meaningful way. As this is a shorter script the opening scene really should emphasize first and foremost the importance of the audition she's just bombed. It should convey th...

10 months ago | read more...
Michael Harris Top Reviewer
The story concept is original. I would like to see a longer version of this we have Elvira as the protagonist and we just see how many times would it take for her to nail her audition. Or it could be a number of people and we could just get their backstory and the reason why they need a “2econd chance”

The logline is short sweet and to the point.
The beginning starts with "We see a younger woman...", that is simply not need. I'm not a pro an...

10 months ago | read more...
Hi,

The first thing of note is the concept itself. I like it: I find a sort of symbolism to the typical 9-to-5 work-life--the just-getting-by, angling for something often not achieved, all for someone else's fiscal benefit. Your story is quite poetic in that sense. However, I think there is something to be found in the execution. In particular, the language. For instance: at the beginning, we meet Elvira as she's getting turned down for the jo...

10 months ago | read more...

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